Sadness over parental judgement

I’ve done a lot of work in therapy on my relationship with my Dad. When I was young, he was such a brilliant, fun loving father, but he did work away from home a lot when my sister and I were small so I think either missed or does not remember what it is like to parent young children.

I have a 10 month old and a 3 year old and my son is a particularly challenging child but we have found gentle parenting and strong boundaries as the best way forward with him.

My dad makes it so clear that he thinks we are being too soft with our son – this is made harder by the fact that my daughter is naturally a more ‘easy’ child (or as I like to say, more convenient to adults!) and he so clearly favours her. She is also only just walking and therefore is much easier to deal with than a feral 3 year old!

My dad helped me out by driving my kids and I back to our home which is 3 hours from my parents’ house as we temporarily had no car. My daughter started screaming ten minutes in as she has a cold and didn’t fancy the car – my son then started screaming to try to make her be quiet as he struggles with loud noises. This screaming went on for an hour. I was calmly trying to placate them both until I suggested we stop at a nearby service station.

My dad was very kind but clear about his boundaries and that he could not cope with this situation and had to phone my mum to drive her car an hour to where we were, transfer all the car seats and then she would continue to drive us home. It took 3 hours of my kids waiting in a service station. By this time it was dark and bedtimes were screwed up etc.

I understand that my dad knew his limitations. I think I am just so sad and angry that he thought it was more important to put everyone else out – especially my mum – for his own selfish comfort. This likelihood was that we could have waited half an hour at the service station and then continued on with both kids asleep for the remainder of the 2 hour drive.

I think I take it to mean that I am a terrible mother because I am responsible for my children’s emotions. And my dad doesn’t believe such displays of emotion are normal or correct. I guess I’m still finding it hard to have a relationship with my dad when I feel he is constantly judging me.

 

Answer:

I’d like for you to notice that you are aware of your father’s humanness and that you respect his limits. That’s pretty major. And it’s also major that you are able to say, “I think I take it to mean…” because it indicates that you know that it’s not your dad making you feel this way, it’s the thoughts in your head.
It’s totally okay to feel angry and sad, and judged and to take the time you need to process this most recent experience with him. When you feel ready, I wonder if you’d be willing to consider what would open up for you if you were to extend that gentle parenting practice that you use with your children to your father when he’s having his own reactions and responses to outside stimuli? When you think about this possibility, what thoughts and emotions rise to the surface for you? How accessible is it for you? Come back when you’re ready for more coaching.