Self coaching / self worth

On holiday I spent time with old friends some conversations brought emotions to the surface that I thought I’d moved past.

I had a feeling the might come up and tried to coach myself before hand. But still they came up and I felt frustrated I was not ‘over it’ yet.

For context :
I had a huge career change, enormous drop in my income over the last few years. I went on holiday with oldest friends I went to university with, we worked in the same industry. They still do, I left.
I’ve been dealing with a lot of feelings of inadequacy and confusion for the last few years but in my day to do at home, I feel better. I’m more used to having less, I feel less stressed, I’m more content with the path I’m on.
But when I’m with my friends it brings those feelings back. I feel inadequate, lacking and on some levels envious that they managed to stick with it and so have an expendable income.
They are my dearest friends and I can be honest, they also know me well, so pick up on things. It came into conversation and I was open about some of my inner turmoil. They are wonderful people. The problem is with me and how I feel about myself.

This is the crux of what came up through conversation.

I was a working class girl when we all met. I struggled through the cost of living, an expensive degree with no financial support. They were all very comfortable financially so didn’t struggle how I did. It was hard and I felt like the only one struggling in that way.
I got on the career ladder, worked my way up, did well, travelled the world and earned good money. But I lived on the edge of burn out for 20 years, driven by my need for financial success, a career accolade and need to feel I’d succeeded. There was health stuff, kids and then covid. In end I quit, I walked away.

But feeling poor now in mid-life when I had a career I arrived to create brings those feelings back in a way that’s uncomfortable.

I’m living in a few thought cycles :

I need to accept it and get comfortable. Which in the day to day of my ‘bubble’, I have.

I need to focus to make this new career path work financially and well as for my health, family, wellbeing.

Thought work :

C. Spending quality time with old friends and where I have less expendable cash, a different kind of career chat and old clothes
T. I have less and I don’t like it, I should have moved on from these feelings
F. Inadequacy
A. Toil again over why I feel this way and spend too much energy feeling negative
R. I don’t move on from the thought because I’m giving it too much airtime

C. Spending quality time with old friends and where I have less expendable cash, a different kind of career chat and old clothes
T. I’m absolutely fine living with less and I need to work on my mindset so it doesn’t steal joy from time with friends I love
F. Not convinced
A. Go over above thought trying to convince myself
R. Living in this story, not moving on and letting go

I want this but don’t truly believe it…

C. Spending quality time with old friends and where I have less expendable cash, a different kind of career chat and old clothes
T. I’m absolutely fine living with less and I need to work on my mindset so it doesn’t steal joy from time with friends I love
F. Content
A. Focus my attention on the small day to day of my life, which is more balanced and grounded.
R. Feel genuinely at ease with what I have

But to truly feel this way, I may need to spend less time with these friends. But that’s not good. It’s my ego that’s the issue.

And also this
C. Spending quality time with old friends and where I have less expendable cash, a different kind of career chat and old clothes
T. I’m a capable woman on my path to creating a new career of well-being and I have the wherewithal to earn a good living, I’m on the journey
F. Capable
A. Keep making steps that make this happen, energy and focus is spent on this, not going over old ground.
Remind myself I’m not there yet but I’m well on my way
R. Step by step build my business and see it grow year on year. Be visible, at ease, open, to create authentic and sustainable business growth

I’m aware that some of this is about my self worth. Some is my ego and my perceived societal expectations. Some is my drive and a sense that I deserve to and have the ability to feel successful and ‘enough’ rather than feeling lacking with sucks.

I would love to get your insights please.

 

 

Answer:

 

I would imagine it’s not far from the truth to say that we all have things that make us question our growth. This is human. It’s discomfort and our normal response to discomfort is to move away as quickly as possible.

What I wonder is what you think it means about your that you haven’t moved on from these thoughts and feelings about your income and career change. If it wasn’t a problem that you had the thought, “I have less and I don’t like it,” what else might it mean for or about you? It’s a totally natural human thing to want more of the things that bring you a sense of comfort and stability. What if this is your brain being a normal human brain, and it was okay to notice yourself having this thought?

I think that a series of bridge or ladder thoughts might be helpful for you here – bridge thoughts are thoughts that help you close the gap from where you are to where you want to be. For example: “I’m becoming a person who…”, “It’s possible…”, “Maybe…”, “I’m learning…”, etc. Ladder thoughts are similar in that they close the gap, but they also build on each other. For example: I have less because I changed my career –> Other people have changed careers –> Perhaps other people are content with what they do and don’t have –> Perhaps I can learn to be content with what I do and don’t have at any stage in my financial journey. Or something like that. What do you think when you consider these options?

Give yourself all the compassion. You are building, you are growing, and you’re right where you’re meant to be.