Self-Esteem part 4

Hello again,
Thanks again for the great advice, I’ve taken some of this to sessions with Mars. I’m in a heated emotional state right now which is why I’m responding because I want to see if I can catch the pattern and change things relating to this issue. But first, the answers to your questions:

Now, about self-employment vs. employment…if there was no possible way that you could make the wrong decision what would you choose to pursue? Why? What do you think about your reasons and what’s keeping you from doing that right now (aka, why is it hard to create realistic goals right now?)?

ANSWER: self-employment, 100%. Because I love being able to do what I do and use my talents. I love the theoretical flexibility with time and location too. I think it’s a fairly standard reason and also I have a baby now, and I see that flexibility is so important! If I’m self-employed I can arrange myself around things better I think.

What’s stopping it right now, is that my income is inconsistent. My time availability is also minimal at the moment too. Those are I guess the main reasons why I’m not doing the self-employment fully, it feels like a chicken and egg situation.

As for why I’m writing now…Ive figured out that I feel most excited about my work and successful when I’m doing it, as opposed to doing ‘busy’ work like admin. I’ve been considering returning to teach yoga 1x a week to be back in my community and hopefully create a way in for people to the other work I do. After sharing this with my partner, his response was that I’m adding more complication to things and also, when is this going to financially take off because I’ve been self-employed for years now and still don’t have stable income.

I feel attacked and unsupported though I know logically he’s supported me for a long time. I guess I feel scared that he’s right and I’m a failure and ought to just stop trying. Problem is that when I think that, I feel honestly dead inside. I can feel myself shutting down emotionally which then leads to passive aggression with him.

My current model in this moment:

C:
T: I’m a failure
F: wounded
S: chest feels contracted, eyes feel heavy
A: I retreat and shut down. I feel myself like a victim and get smaller. I also tend to get like ‘I’ll show him/them!’ And try to create opportunities to make money or DO something. I disengage from my partner and fantasise about leaving, leading to less intimacy and more resentment
R: I don’t know how it goes back to T. Maybe because I try to DO things and initiate, which then flops because I’m REACTING and that makes me feel a failure?

Thanks for your help!

 

Answer:

 

Let’s look at the model first. I wonder if the R line is that you fail to continue to problem solve for how it could be possible to be solvently self-employed and married. Just looking at your A line is what leads me to this idea – retreating, shutting down and being a victim, primarily. What do you think about that idea?

What I can tell is that this is something that is important enough to you to illicit a response that you want to investigate, and also that stopping isn’t an option (dead inside certainly isn’t an acceptable way to live!). What does failure really mean to you? This is the story that you’re creating around the F word. What do you notice? What do you like? What don’t you like? What do you want to change? What do you WANT your relationship to the idea of failure to be like?

We always want you to pursue your wild dreams in a way that works for you emotionally, mentally, physically and financially. Sometimes that means that plan A fails, but luckily there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. Come back when you want more coaching.