Self hate

I have made a couple of mistakes in the last 24 hours. – I fixed a shelf to the wall wrong and now can’t get it off to put it right (though my partner says he’ll fix it when he feels better from being ill) and I somehow managed to set the thermostat to being on all night which will cost us a lot of money. I am currently also dealing with my mum reaching the later stages of terminal illness which has altered her personality, we think she will die within months.
T: There are a few phrases that come to me a lot
– I’m a bad person
– I hate myself
– Why am I a twat (of course translates as “I am a twat”)
– Why am I so shit
F: Which all of course make me feel shame
A: spiral into the shame, repeat these thoughts, try thought work, cry, get angry, sometimes make more mistakes
R: I reinforce these thoughts with evidence

This morning lying awake I tried offering myself the thought “I make mistakes” but I had this image of me fighting against it animalistically like it was going to kill me. Then I took it away and offered it the above thoughts and I cuddled them to me like comforting teddy bears. Like if I am a good person or enough or make mistakes then I am not safe. It’s safer being in shame and punishing myself just in case I do something wrong and then using every mistake to back up why I should be there. I don’t know if this is always where my brain is at, but it’s what happened this morning.
If I make mistakes then I have to be accountable, and my cognitive brain wants that for me cos then I can grow. But I can’t handle the vulnerability at the moment of potentially people seeing me as not enough or less than.
I am so busy in my own thoughts and anticipatory grief that I can feel this mist over my empathy and I feel less connected to my wonderful partner and everyone else.
I don’t think I can find an alternative to these thoughts, I have been trying for years, maybe decades. Maybe because they are basically my action line whenever I feel shame… maybe they are my circumstance line?
I did wonder about trying to change my feeling line, and feel comforted by them like the version of me that hugged them like cuddly toys.
I’ve spent my whole time in the flow collective realising more about the feelings around these thoughts, because I think the circumstance is “I feel shame” so its all a response to a feeling, and any memory or thing I’ve done wrong can put me in shame so
maybe the model that comes before that involves the thoughts “I shouldn’t have done that” or “I should know better than that” or “i wish I hadn’t done that” but those thoughts aren’t conscious, mostly the thought is a flash of an image of something I did wrong. There’s no worded thought there and the shame is immediate. I can’t get any intentional thoughts in there before I’m in shame and as you see above I struggle to get out of shame.
I am getting better at noticing shame and stepping back to look at it, even just labeling it has been helpful.
But lately I seem to spend a lot of time there and am struggling to bring myself back out like I have been capable of doing before without grief and winter and money worries.

What is the next level in my shame-resilience journey? How do I become resilient even in hard times?
Or is there a better question that I should be asking you?

During the spring goal I got really good with mistakes and getting stuff wrong
My goal was be ok with getting stuff wrong – rocks – take risks, get stuff wrong, don’t shame myself
I LOVE the thought “lets see how wrong i can get this” it makes me feel excited and curious.
But I struggle to access any of that spring energy now.
I feel like I’ve gone backwards.

 

 

Answer:

If you’ve been trying for so long without being able to believe you are good, you may want to consult a mental health professional. There may be something else going on that they can help with.

You’re correct that our unconscious brain will offer those well-worn thoughts lightning fast. That’s why most people aren’t even aware of them. If you haven’t been, you may want to try slowing down and really writing all of this out on paper. There is something special about getting it out of your head, even after you’ve felt all the shame.

What do you think about dropping the word mistakes from your vocabulary for a while? What if you’re just a human who does human things and that’s ok. Grief brain is a real thing, too, so have compassion for that.

Sometimes I get busy and pick up my children from school late, or I forget to put out the garbage bins on Thursdays. I’m still worthy and whole and so are you, friend. We’re here to help so please bring any questions or models back for more coaching as much as you need.