Self Hate (Part 2 – it’s not really self-hate)

Thanks for this. I am very open to “being human” rather than “making a mistake”.

The rest of this coaching didn’t really feel like what I needed but I love myself for getting what I did need out of that:
I have been seeing a therapist for nearly 3 years now and it’s fantastic, and also I used to write everything down this has got me where I am today, but now I need outside eyes – hence ask a coach, so I was asking for practical thought-work help rather than general life advice, but I got there on my own:
Last night I realised that Maisie’s unwelcome thought at the party metaphor is not applicable. These thoughts not only need to be let into the party and shown the drinks but cared for and looked after – they come to the door screaming that the world is not a safe place to exist, and if I listen to them and make them feel heard, then they can relax – I imagine holding their hands looking into their eyes and replying “I love you for reminding me, and look we are surviving together”. That makes the thought sigh and relax and able to enjoy the party. My whole life I have been fighting these thoughts and trying to over-write them, when really their underlying message is useful and a core part of my existence and success. I think what I was really asking for was help accepting them in order to move through whatever I was feeling – rather than trying to push them down like Maisie’s beach ball metaphor.

The challenge I was trying to get across is the conscious vs unconscious thoughts. I have a really strong sense of knowing how great I am and how I am enough and worthy and awesome when I actively think about it, and I congratulate myself for my achievements and notice how amazing I am and how well I’m doing a lot of the time, especially with the help of my parter, friends & therapist. BUT I also have all these thoughts that pop up spontaneously in unidentifiable circumstances so are virtually impossible to model. I suppose my current theory -given my new realisation that these thoughts underlying message is that world is unsafe- is that the circumstance is any time my nervous system goes out of safe and social.

C: stress response
T: I am a bad person
F: shame
A: cycle in shame, repeat thought, find evidence to back up thought
R: get stuck in this model – cycling through causing a stress response by shaming myself

C: stress response
T: I am a bad person
F: gratitude & compassion towards the thought
A: take a pause, listen to what that thought is trying to tell me, “I love you for reminding me and look we are surviving together”, congratulate myself on how well I am surviving and existing
R: a moment of respite from shame / self compassion

 

 

Answer:

Lovely exploration you’ve done. We could leave it right there. Following are some question prompts, take what you’d feel like exploring further and leave the rest. What if you don’t need to model these thoughts at all right now? You’re right on about how you imagine treating these thoughts and/or your stress response. Inviting them in and caring for them is accepting reality, which brings peace.

As you’ve described many years of fighting against these unwelcomed thoughts, what else could you think about them that would come from a place of love and acceptance?

What does your brain think will happen if you do this?

What does your inner knowing say?

What else could you use your energy on if you allowed yourself to notice these thoughts and not feel ashamed?