Self Image

Hello! I am looking for some support with a thought and behaviour which I have had ever since childhood, but had never consciously picked up on until now.
I am very long-sighted and so since I was a toddler have always had to wear very strong prescription glasses which in my mind make my eyes look really big and distorted (something I was mildly teased about when I was growing up). Since being a teenager I have used contact lenses when in public as much as possible, but do have to give my eyes a rest for several hours of each day and one day a week.

I’ve now identified that I definitely alter my behaviour at the times where I am wearing my glasses, in a model resembling this:
C: Wearing glasses
T: I don’t want people to see me like this
F: Ashamed
A: Hide in my office as much of the day as possible.
Don’t eat lunch in the staffroom as normal and therefore impact my wellbeing by not getting any space from work
Reduce social connection by limiting eye contact with people/trying to keep conversations short when they talk to me – then feel embarrassed by my weird behaviour
Letting patriarchal standards of women needing to look a certain way win!
Don’t take care of my eyes by over-using contact lenses
Move through the day with a general feeling that it is not going to be a good day because of my appearance
Would never initiate sex/intimacy with my partner at home when wearing glasses as I assume he must think I look ugly in that moment
R: struggling to pinpoint this!! I don’t see myself?

I’m struggling to find an intentional feeling/ladder thought which feels workable for me. Moving to ‘confident’ feels like too much and not something which I can believe in. Any help would be much appreciated 🙂

Answer:

First of all, it’s massive to pull back the curtains on an embedded belief that you’ve had about yourself since childhood, and even more massive to decide to inspect it. I know it might not be obvious that this is cause for celebration, but IT IS. So, I hope you’re hugging and thanking yourself for beginning this process.

About your R line, I don’t think you’re wrong…perhaps it is that you don’t want to see yourself like that if I could refine your idea. From my perspective, it seems like the result you’re creating here is that you’re keeping yourself from being seen for who you are with glasses, as if there are two you’s – the one with glasses (worthy of connection) and the one without (not worthy of connection). How does that land with you?

As for ladder thoughts and intentional feelings, let’s say that confidence is your Shangri-la. Getting to Shangri-la is preceded by a good hike with lots of milestones and beautiful vistas on the way. Right now, you are in a great place! The beginning! Some ladder thoughts I can suggest for this part of your journey are:

Other people are long-sighted and wear glasses
I know that some of those people wear glasses in public
I am a person who is long-sighted and wears glasses
Maybe I’m a person who could wear my glasses in public (or “at lunch” or “around my partner”)

Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your full confidence doesn’t have to be either. If none of the suggestions register with you, consider what seems like a big enough step that you feel a little bit nervous/excited, and is small enough that you can go back to your comfort zone for a reprieve. Let us know, and come back for more coaching when you’re ready.