Self love

Hi,

I think I need a bit of help accepting the times when I am not living up to the mother that I want to be. Over the past few years I have tried to process my relationship with my own mother, who I feel was not there as a mother ‘should’ be. I do not think this was her ‘fault’ – she suffered from depression and has been diagnosed with bi-polar; she is completely dependent on my dad – to the point that it is like a child/ father relationship. After going through the process of getting my daughter’s diagnosed with autism and adhd, I strongly believe she is autistic and has adhd also. I have mentioned this to her, but I realise it is not my responsibility to seek a diagnosis on her behalf – I think she is very comfortable in the life of dependency she has created. All this to say, I have tried to untangle what kind of a mother I want to be, and though it brings guilt, the first thing I think of is ‘the opposite of her’. I know my core values are to make sure I am interacting with my children, playing with them and connecting with them where possible throughout the day. This is sometimes very hard for me. My daughter is autistic and her go-to emotion is anger, which instantly makes me angry, though I work hard to process it, feel it but not respond in anger. My youngest has suspected adhd and struggles with instructions and often needs to release steam and can be very manic. I accept that I also am neuro-divergent, but for a long time did not think I needed to seek a diagnosis, I had ways to regulate and cope. Recently however, I have not been coping very well and have had zero in the tank to self-regulate. I have been working to a deadline for my book (I am an aspiring author with an agent) and having recently taken more on at work as a primary school teacher. I am able to hyperfocus at work, but it leaves me depleted. I have two modes – either I can’t get up off the sofa, or I have all the tabs open, all the cupboards open, and I’m doing four tasks at any one chaotic time. I am working at resting, but there are just some things that need to get done, like bedtime or bath-time or teatime or anything else that comes with being a parent. I may add that my husband is very supportive and steps in when I am ‘done’ – though he often gets in late and leaves early. I have now met my book deadline so that pressure has eased, though I still struggle with the fact that other women are able to juggle all the balls without having to take the weekend to rest and recover. For a long time, a lot of my thoughts centred around the fact that my own mother would just be absent as she needed her ‘alone time’ and to ‘destress’ in her room for hours and was just not present at all – and now I feel like I am doing exactly the same. I have been working a lot on accepting the times when I just need to be alone and trying to untangle my experience from my mother’s but sometimes my children say thins like ‘you’re always needing to rest,’ or ‘you never play with me’. I know that isn’t true, not all of the time, but it is some of the time. And I find it incredibly triggering. Sometimes I force myself to play with them as something to tick off the list and I don’t want it to be like that. It feels that the goal to spend time with them, and as though it’s coming from a place of not being a good enough mother. I very rarely want to do physical play like the trampoline or wrestling and prefer to draw or colour which involves little chat. We talk on the way to and from school – if we’re all regulated, and we often play calm card games or bake. For the past year I have really been trying hard to have calm mornings in our house – it’s been a goal of mine. I realised I couldn’t control their level of calmness, only mine, but I still feel so triggered in the morning and on edge. I get up early so I am ready and spend time meditating so I can regulate and control my emotions but my children battle against going to school and we are usually running late and rushing and I find this really triggering and end up snapping. It is a cycle that leaves me sour/full of shame/upset/angry for the rest of the day. Recently, I have been poorly with covid and a change in my migraine medication meant I really crashed into a place of overwhelm and then shutdown. In overwhelm I have no control over my emotions at all and have a complete meltdown which looks very much like a toddler having a tantrum – yelling, slamming door, sobbing, shouting, kicking. It is a side that only my family see. I feel like they get the very worst of me, whilst my students get the very best – a patient, playful, kind teacher. Occasionally my children get this too, but I really have to force it a lot of the time. I still feel a lot of shame at my meltdowns – I don’t want to deny that I feel that way. I do always cuddle with my girls after and apologise and explain how I was feeling and why – even if it doesn’t make sense. I am hoping that in seeing me fall apart, they will learn to do the same but without the shame I feel associated with it. I do always, when I am available, spend time regulating them when they are having a true meltdown. I want to be the best mother I can be, and in all honesty, I am not sure I am doing that at the moment. I can’t seem to find ‘calm’. At times I am just so overwhelmed that all I can do is get through the basics of life. By the time my husband comes home I am non-verbal. Reading all this back, I can see I am juggling too much for me, but also that comes with a lot of anger at myself for not being able to cope like everyone else. I can reduce my workload which comes with financial repercussions and a sense that I am letting people down – I know I would be as the school are short staffed at the moment. Another issue is that I struggle with under-stimulation as much as over-stimulation. I seem to be living in the extremes of emotions. Today, I took courageous action and took the first step toward getting a diagnosis for myself. I’ll take that as a win and congratulate myself for that. Well done, me! I seem to have used this ask a coach session as a way of offloading a lot of thoughts, but if there is anything in here that you can help me untangle, I would love to hear your thoughts. x

 

 

Answer:

 

First thing. Being a parent is a lot. Being a parent to a neurodivergent child can be a lot and then some more. Good on you for being here just as you are with all that you’re carrying.

My number one question for you is who is the everyone else you’re comparing yourself to that seems to never need the weekend to rest, or is able to juggle it all? Do you really believe deep in your core that the Everyones actually have everything handled all the time? What is giving you that idea, and what else might be true?

It sounds like this might be a time to rally all of the resources available to you to get what you need – mental health support by way of a diagnosis (check) or therapy to help you cope with some of the triggers that stem from your own childhood. You’re already on the path. Parenting is not an easy job. That’s a C. You’re a human with a history doing the hardest job on earth. Of course there are parts of you that are going to surface that you don’t like, it’s part of the journey, and from what you’re saying here, it sounds like you’re already working on them. What can you say to yourself that is loving, tender, and supportive today?