Self trust and attaching my self worth to my productivity

Hi there
I’ve wanted to ask a coach for some time but delayed doing so for a number of reasons but here I am. I watched Maisie’s call this morning on ‘Safety’ and I recognised that I am currently in ‘collapse’ mode and I often visit this place after a long period of work. I look out for reasons to remain in ‘threat mode’ and notice that I’m in a heightened state most of the time. I have hit burn out at this time of year several times, had chronic fatigue a few years ago, but thought that I had cracked the code but I feel myself heading that way again. I’m self employed and a very ambitious person who puts a lot of pressure on myself! I’m working on a big project at the moment and have just recently completed launch phase which has been really successful and I’m trying to celebrate my success here! During the launch phase (and always in my life it seems) I’m ‘working’ consciously on my thoughts and behaviour and noticing the inner critic and voice that says I’m not good enough and that no one will like it (me). I’m always moving the goal posts and learning to appreciate the gain not the gap! Through another call back with Maisie recently I realised that my inner critic is my Dad who was/is a big factor in my lack of self worth/belief and I have come to realise that I attach my worth to my productivity. Love was always conditional; related to how well I was doing or related to money in that if I wanted something I had to ask him and be ‘on my best behaviour’. I’m keen to break this cycle but I don’t know how. I’m very aware but I don’t seem to be able to break the patterning. I wake up calm but in 10 minutes I find myself anxious, lacking confidence and seeking approval. In another call back with Maisie she mentioned to a member how it can be easy for us to mix our creativity with our productivity and I suppose I’m keen to understand how to create boundaries around this, especially being self employed and that my wage is determined on my productivity which is reliant on my creativity! I find it very hard to relax but I am excellent at procrastination and avoidance of what I can achieve (I know I self sabotage and keen to break this cycle) and I notice that I’m avoiding sitting with just being me. I think the programming of being younger from my Dad and also from being bullied at school is that I must ‘do well’ to be liked and accepted to be loved. I am working on self love, I have all the affirmations, tools and awareness, I just find it so hard to implement them as I’m so hard on myself. Through being in the Flow Collective I’m understand that self trust is something I’ve never fostered or been taught to do and for over a year my mantra was ‘let go of doubt’ not at no point did I think that the way to do that was to foster self trust! So I’m learning. It’s a slow process. I also find that I get exhausted with ‘self development’ but then when I do rest I just feel rubbish about myself. I know this is all very blurred but I suppose it’s a good indication of where I’m at with it all.
Thank you for reading and listening

 

Answer:

You are exactly where you are supposed to be on your journey, and thank you for bringing this here. Slowing down can be very painful when it also means that we have to start to be present with ourselves – it seems like it can give our brains the chance to take the reins and dominate our negative narrative. But that is only if we don’t question our default way of thinking. When you find yourself slowing down and notice that your brain taking over, take three deep breaths and ask yourself this simple question: “Is that true?” Answer it.

Asking and answering this question allows us to take a pause and examine if our brain is telling the truth or if it’s acting like a kid with a giant pixie stick (which is to say, out of control). Come back to us either here in AAC or in the Facebook community when you’ve given this a shot and let us know how it goes and what you’ve discovered. You’re doing good work, and we are here to support you.