Setting boundaries and communicating with my partner

Hi there,

I hope it’s OK to use this as I’ve been a member for a year and am massively struggling to fit in knowing how to do any of the work. I’ve listened to quite a few playbacks and recently listened to some of the pep talks and I believe one of the pep talks suggested just starting here so I hope this is OK without any specific questions about the material. If I’m in the wrong place I’d be very grateful if you could make any other suggestions for where I should start.

I’ll try to be as specific as possible… Things have felt generally strained with my partner (who I married last June after being together for 5 years) for a considerable amount of time and despite my repeated attempts to communicate myself clearly and calmly, I still feel like I’m in an incredibly negative home environment. I feel like his moods have gotten worse and worse over the past year since we got married, and whilst I’ve spent a long time trying to figure out if it was “me” causing these moods and his frustration or me being in a situation where I feel my needs aren’t being met, I know feel like I’m in a slightly stronger position emotionally and can see the times he’s being unreasonable, which is a lot.

It’s getting to the point where I’m exploring the idea of leaving, despite loving him and not wanting to leave, none of my needs and desires are being met.

He’s in the house all the time and sleeps for about 5 hours a night at best, so I really never have ANY time to myself in my living room or kitchen, and I’ve always needed some time to myself. (I’m lucky enough that we do have a house with a garden and spare bedroom, but frankly, I’m a bit fed up of feeling like a teenager who has to lock herself away to get some space and I feel like being on top of each other all the time is very detrimental to our relationship, and my wellbeing)At the moment I don’t know how to express this because I know his reaction is likely to be defensive, he’s likely to react with moods and possibly storming off and not talking to me. This then will effect my mental and physical health and I end up so stressed I can’t focus on anything or get anything done, and I just feel very overwhelmed and unhappy at the moment.

Ultimately what I’m trying to achieve is being able to say what I genuinely feel with the confidence that I’ve “done nothing wrong” and that I’ve presented the situation to him in the least harmful way possible, and I want to be able to express my feelings (about various things, but to be specific in this situation snoot needing more space to myself in the house) without feeling guilty or feeling like I’ve been made to be unreasonable (I’m going mad questioning myself and my confidence is feeling really knocked)
It’s very difficult because often his reaction is so sharp and not quite clear that I end up panicking on the spot and feeling like an idiot. I need to figure out how to express my needs clearly and know that no matter how he reacts, even if he “over”reacts, I want to know I’ve done the right thing communicating my feelings and needs clearly.

I hope this all makes sense and sorry if it’s long and rambling but I would really appreciate some advice! Thank you so much in advance

 

 

Answer:

Absolutely, welcome to AAC! We hope you’ll use it as much as you want to. This is the perfect place for your questions. It looks like you’re getting stuck because you’ve got your goal just a bit backwards.  This is totally normal because most of us are taught that it’s our circumstances (in this case, how you talk to your husband about needing space) will create your feelings.

So you feel this pressure to craft the exact right speech that will manage his emotions (great work already recognizing this) and manage your own.  But it’s not what you say or how you say it that creates your feelings.  It’s what you are thinking.

Instead, you can try creating the feeling you want in order to complete the action of having a conversation.

Think back to the last time you had a conversation with your husband where you ended up feeling guilty or unreasonable.  What happened? What were you thinking? Do a thought download and write all about it. Then you can take a few of the thoughts that stand out to you and put them in models. What do you want to be different moving forward?

Be gentle with yourself and be aware of your nervous system. Notice when and why you feel activated in your relationship. Support yourself and don’t try to do any thought work when you’re feeling unable to access it.  Bring back any models or questions that you have as you begin this process. You can write in as much as you want.