Sexual connection with partner

I am struggling with feeling sexually connected and attracted to my partner.

I have been brewing over this for a long time, and finally realised that this was because I was shaming myself for some thoughts that I had, most notably not being physically attracted to him when he puts on weight.
I have uncovered this strict thought “I should love him unconditionally”, and I’ve made it mean if I don’t find him physically attractive that I don’t love him enough and that this all means I have a stupid manual in my head for how he should be, and that really I should throw that manual out of the window, so I shame myself for having a manual for him and not loving him the way I think I should. Then it finally clicked that I do love him unconditionally – I do want to be with him and I can accept him for who he is at an emotional level and not make any physical attraction mean anything about my love for him, and at the same time not desire him sexually. It is the not desiring part that I still struggle not shaming myself for cause a part of me thinks that “love should be enough to create sexual desire”. I am slowly getting there in accepting that I am a very visual person and that I am very driven by things I find aesthetically pleasing, and that it’s ok that this also applies to my sexual desire. There are two issues I’m a bit stuck with in terms of figuring out how to go on from here: one is that I have this thought that “I’m sad that I don’t feel as sexually attracted to my partner/I would like to feel sexually attracted to my partner/I miss feeling sexual about my partner”. I’m ok with sitting with & processing that feeling, but then where do I go from there? And the other is that there is a part of me that wants to be honest with him and tell him that this is how I feel, but I can’t help but feel terrified of his reaction. I know I’m not responsible for his thoughts and feelings, but I’m still so scared this will hurt him and drive us apart.
I’m sure there are more things we can try in the bedroom, but I’ve already put in a lot of effort from my side to try things and not focus on the visual attraction, but I keep coming back to, it is a big part of what drives my sexual desire.
I’ve already asked myself why I want to tell him, and it comes from a place of “we’re not going to improve our sex life if I’m not honest with him about what my sexual desires are”. I’m afraid that he will take it as a “he needs to change to suit me”, which is not what I want. Of course I wouldn’t complain if he chose to get back in shape again, but I don’t want to make my sexual satisfaction his responsibility (that wouldn’t be fair either to him nor to me). I’m not sure what else I’d want to get out of telling him, other than just feeling better for having been honest about what makes me tick sexually. Maybe that’s enough? I don’t know.

Help?

 

 

Answer:

This is a very insightful thought download. You are exactly right, your sexuality is your responsibility. Doing our own work to clean up our brains before taking action is where we get our power back in situations that seem out of our control. Even when it seems a lot easier to just put it back on our partner.

Everything we do is because of how we think it will make us feel. Our brain offers us ideas of how to fix what’s uncomfortable and yours has decided that this is the way.

What would you get to feel if you told him you aren’t physically attracted to him right now?

Do a thought download about why you want to tell him and really let everything flow onto paper with no judgements. Then look at your list and decide if you like the reasons you’ve come up with.

Bring what comes up back for more coaching.