Sexual desire, fear and knowing when you are honouring your needs

Hi! I would like to get coaching on a problem that’s been haunting my relationship with my partner for a long time. And specifically, because I don’t know what I truly want or need in this situation.

The first piece of background I want to give you is that I experienced sexual assault when I was a teenager, and sexual coercion with my previous partner. There is a lot of fear and nervous system activation associated with sex. The second piece of background is that there is a lot of negative emotions associated with this problem, as we have had recurring fights about it.

This problem started about a year ago, when I went through a burnout and a depressive episode. Until then, our sex life was quite satisfying for us both, but after that, it started to be incredibly difficult for me to feel sexual desire. Due to what I was experiencing in my life, my nervous system was constantly dysregulated, usually on freeze mode. My partner, who was also going through a very rough patch, experienced the contrary; he felt more desire. These opposite effects created a huge conflict between us. He wanted to find a solution for me to feel better and feel more desire. He started resenting me because it seemed that nothing he would do would help me be in a place where I could meet his need for intimacy. I was very deeply scared of telling him that there was not much that he could do, that I was just not capable of meeting his needs at that moment. So I joined in trying to take me to feel better, and it took a long time for me to actually feel better. I resented him for expecting me to meet his needs when I could barely meet mine. We continued to fight about this topic for months, amounting to no real solution until I started to recover from the burnout.

We have fought less and less, handled conflict in a healthier way and we have processed a lot of last year together, listening to each other, apologising and acknowledging where needed. Because I recognised that my body can often associate sex with fear, I asked him to help me reprogram my body’s memory and replace fear by safety. I suggested that we engage in physical intimacy without sex, or without the expectation for it. I also recognised that he likely sees sex as something positive, where he finds solace. I suggested that when I feel safer in the future, we try to indulge in that perspective and find more playfulness in our intimacy. He was supportive about all this. Now where I am confused is that I don’t know if I am doing this because that’s what I want, or because that’s what I think I should do. And it seems to be connected to my cycle.

To this day, I have mostly recovered from burnout. During summer, I now feel desire quite easily and spontaneously. When I suggested these things, I was full-on summer. But now that I’ve transitioned into autumn, I don’t want to do any of that. I’ve asked that there are no expectations about me being able to engage in anything intimate in this part of my cycle, and there’s was absolutely no problem. But still I don’t feel satisfied. The feeling that dominates the most is pressure. I feel pressured to be proactive with my ideas, to want sex and feel desire. And I do want it, but I don’t want to feel like I have to want it, does that make sense? That’s why I can’t figure out what I truly want. I could say I want to live my sex life without pressure, but where is that pressure coming from? How do I get rid of it? How do I know if I am truly honouring my wants and needs? I think that autumn is particularly difficult because with winter, it becomes a long period of me not feeling available for intimacy, and even though my partner has never pressured me to have sex, I can tell by his body language (or other obvious signs) that it’s on me whether we do or don’t. I know the things I suggested to him can help me have a healthier relationship with intimacy, so do I feel reticent to do them right now because I know it’s going to come with uncomfortable feelings, or because I don’t care about having a healthier relationship, and autumn is just showing me that with it’s rawness? It’s all a huge mess, and the hormonal brain fog does not help to untangle it.

I am so sorry if this is very long, I am very detail-oriented and I think there is a lot of details that matter in the story 🙂 Thank you in advance!

 

Answer:

You never have to apologize for how you show up here. We love and welcome all of you just as you are.
It makes a lot of sense from a biological perspective that in your Autumn you are questioning why you suggested any of the things, and that you are questioning where this pressure is coming from. The drop in progesterone that happens pre-menstrually is a time when people who menstruate often think, “WTF was I thinking!?” after having made a decision in their summer. This is actually very normal (hooray!).
When we decide to do something that we are afraid of, or have historically associated with fear and danger, it is completely natural for our brains to freak out and say, “Definitely not, don’t do it, you could DIE.” Your brain is doing what it’s supposed to do – it’s trying to keep you safe.
It’s important to acknowledge that the pressure you feel is coming from within you. Other people can and will have their own expectations, hopes and desires – those are their own models – but those don’t make you feel your feelings. Your feelings are created by your thoughts about those expectations, hopes and desires. If your thought is, “I have to want this,” it makes sense that you’d feel pressure. What do you think that having desire means for you and/or your relationship? If you didn’t have it, what would that mean? Take time to inspect this with compassion and love for yourself (shame and judgment tend to muck things up!). What do you notice comes up for you?
You are 100% allowed to reprogram your relationship with intimacy at a pace that works for you, and having doubts and worries is part of the process. It’s possible that you’re right where you’re meant to be. Come back to us for more coaching on this in a submission titled, “Sexual Desire pt. 2.”