“Sexual Desire for Partner pt. 2”.

It really helped me that you clarified that I was stuck between two models. These are the ones I think they were:

C: Decreased sexual desire for husband

T: My marriage is over if I am not attracted to him

F: Anxiety/fear

A: – I notice myself drawn to other men – I self stimulate – I retreat/distance myself from my husband – I have sex with him but feel clunky/disappointed/frustrated at him. – I don’t communicate.

R: No sex/clunky sex/disconnection in the relationship and more connection to other men at work/friends. Not communicating creates distance and self stimualtion/attraction to other men creates more distance.

C: Decreased sexual desire for husband

T: my sexual desires are met outside of my partner

F: shame

A: I don’t talk about my wandering feelings to my partner, masturbation.

R: sex is disconnected to my relationship and I feel disconnected to him.

You said: What if nothing has gone wrong, and that this is exactly where you’re meant to be on your journey? What possibilities rise to the surface when you consider that? I have explored this below and found it very helpful. Keen for any further coaching from what is here.

C: I’m where I am meant to be on my journey
F: excited at the possibilities and new feelings/desires
A: I am more present in the moment and therefore in my relationship and can bring in more authentic needs/desires.
R: I find myself appreciating my partner more and getting to know him better.

C: I’m where I am meant to be on my journey
T: I am stuck in a sexually limited marriage
F: despair
A: seeking connection elsewhere/hobbies/a bigger life outside of marriage
R: My life feels bigger and the result remains of how much my partner can enter into my bigger life.

 

 

Answer:

Great awareness, how did it feel getting that all written down? In your first model, when you think your marriage is over your result is you make that true. In some ways your marriage according to the version in your head is no longer there. And eventually you may create the exact thing you are worried about if you continue showing up this way. But it’s not happening because of your partner, it’s only because of what you’re thinking.

In your last model the thought “I am stuck in a sexually limited marriage.” is painful and disempowering. You feel despair when you believe this thought. Then what? It looks like you jumped into a new model with your actions and results. Really sit with this despair.  Sit with your thought. How do you show up? Describe how the despair colors your life. What result are you creating for yourself in this relationship? I would offer that you don’t even try to get to an intentional thought without questioning what happens when you believe you are stuck and owning the misery you are creating for yourself right now.