Sexual Desire pt. 2

As advised, I’ve asked myself the following questions:

What do you think having desire means for you and your relationship? Feeling desire for me means that when I think about or see my partner, there is an impulse to be closer and to experience their presence through my body. There is also an anticipation, imagining scenarios and the delight in playing out these scenarios. I realised that I do feel this desire (sometimes I don’t) but where I struggle is to act on it. Many times I don’t want to act on it or show that I feel desire.

If you didn’t have it, what would that mean? It would mean I can’t fulfill my partner’s needs, and we would likely need to separate because it is something very important to him. I think this even though he has said he would try everything before having to consider splitting up.

What do you notice comes up for you? We’ve talked about this recently and he asked me to please explain what I truly want when it comes to sex and intimacy, and that I’ve had sex for 10 years before dating him, I must know what sex means to me. And this makes me so irrationally angry. I can’t answer his question because I don’t feel like I’ve been given the choice to know. I don’t feel like I have gotten to experience my sexuality in a way that felt safe and playful. What comes up is a lot of pain, shame and anger. I feel both that the opportunity of having that was taken away from me, and that I let that happen and I am ashamed of that. And of course I feel scared that it might mean something about me, something unchangeable, and that I have to give up this relationship where I actually do feel like I could find that safety. It’s unfair. And what comes up next is that if I don’t want those fears to be true, I have to want sex, something that’s caused me so much pain. I feel stuck, like there’s only two options: I either say I don’t care about sex, and we are not compatible, but I will be relieved because at least no one will be expecting anything from me; or I say I do care about sex, but I’ll be angry because I’ll have the impression of doing it just so my fears don’t come true, so I can say we are compatible, even though I maybe I don’t care about sex as much as he does? I don’t want to betray myself (again).

Some part of me thinks that my truth is not one or the other, it’s somewhere in between. And maybe that truth hasn’t been uncovered yet? Maybe I want to feel the right to not know what I want, and to be able to discover it? After all, burnout to me felt like a clean slate, I shed away so much of myself that I have to relearn who I am.

Answer:

YESSSSSSSSS. I think you absolutely nailed it when you said that my truth is not one or the other, and it’s possible that it hasn’t been uncovered yet. When you think, “I want to feel the right to not know what I want and be able to discover it,” how do you feel? What feedback does your body give you?
I’d like to point out that you do know what sex means (or has meant) to you…it means being powerless, being without choice, and being unsafe. It means obligation. It means pain, shame and anger. This is what your body and brain remember about physical intimacy. You didn’t always have a choice in your past – and you’re right…that was and still is unfair. If this is not what you want sex to mean to you forever, and I can see from your submission that you do have ideas about what it could mean for you in the future (nothing, a way to connect with someone, or a playful experience), there is opportunity to do that. It starts by accepting and even loving yourself as you are in this part of your relationship to sex and intimacy and learning how to let go of self-judgment and shame. We are holding space for you to have a choice now. We love you, and we support you 1000% in redefining your relationship to sex and intimacy on your terms and timeline. Come back when you’re ready for more coaching with part 3.