Sexual desire Pt. 2 (complete)

I’m sorry, my previous submission got sent accidentally before I finished writing!

‘When you think, “I want to feel the right to not know what I want and be able to discover it,” how do you feel? What feedback does your body give you?’

I feel tight in my body, like there is something keeping me from feeling free to do these things. While I do believe I have the choice, there is a barrier there somewhere.

I have started accepting what intimacy has meant for me, but it has sort of backfired. Accepting it was accepting what happened to me, and that’s brought so much anger to the front of the stage. I don’t know what to do with this anger, so it redirects towards my partner. I find myself not wanting to engage in intimacy, even if I can feel desire and enjoy sex, I just don’t want to because I’m so angry. My thoughts are that it’s so unfair that hetero men get to enjoy intimacy without worrying about their safety. And that women are expected to do the same thing while experiencing so much oppression and violence.

Could that be where the barrier is? I do feel like there are these expectations, which I can’t fully describe now, but that I don’t want to meet because of all the unfairness. I am not sure how to fully feel this anger and manifest it. I suspect that part of it could actually be genuinely directed towards my partner, because after all we did fight a lot about it and it was always about meeting his expectations. I also think that some of that anger is towards myself, because my people-pleasing tendencies “allowed” for everything that’s happened to me, and combined with my burnout led me to not think about my own needs in said fights.

That’s a lot to process already. How can I feel and manifest all this anger? I am not the best at feeling my feelings. And how can I best set the ground to forgive myself?

 

Answer:

First of all, it makes all the sense in the world that anger is what comes center stage when you start accepting what intimacy has meant for you. The thoughts you mentioned here – it’s so unfair that hetero men get to enjoy intimacy without worrying about their safety, and that women are expected to do the same – are certainly valid reasons for feeling angry.
One thing we can do to start allowing ourselves to process anger is get to know it. Do a thought download on all of the things that you think and believe about anger. Give yourself time and safety to do this…let it all flow, don’t edit, and don’t judge yourself for anything that comes on to the paper. Now examine your list. Does anything you wrote seem like it could be something you’d like to explore a little deeper? What is it? Bring this back for more coaching when you’re ready.
We’re here for you, and this is a safe and supportive place to get to know this part of you. If you haven’t watched the recent coaching call or listened to the podcast episodes (42 and 94) on emotions, they would be worth diving into.