Shame

Hi coaches.

I’ve been stuck in shame for over a week now – or it moves away for a bit and then comes back. I have journaled, made thought models about how to reframe, moved my body, meditated – but it keeps coming back. I’m usually a good sound sleeper but my thoughts have been racing and I have barely slept all week because of ruminating about the situation.

I am in my inner summer and my resilience is usually better for helping me get perspective on these types of things – but this has floored me. I just want to hide and stay in bed / run away – I can feel how activated my nervous system is.

The perfectionism coaching call really hit home, and I am so aware of the work I need to do on this.

I feel like I’m doing a lot to support myself, but it just isn’t moving out of my mind or body… help!

 

Answer:

First, I want you to look at the thought, “My resilience is usually better for helping me get perspective on these types of things, but this has just floored me.” In what ways is this thought helpful to you? To me, it sounds like it’s actually compounding your shame because you think you’re not doing what you know how to do…so let’s throw that thought right out the window, because you’re doing good work. You’re showing up for yourself, self-coaching, and asking for help. That is a win in and of itself.

Consider what you might say to a 6 year old who was feeling this way. What words of kindness and support would you offer?

Reading through your submission, it strikes me that you’re trying to get out of feeling shame, which is very human and very understandable. This need to try and move on from it is often why people get ‘stuck’ in emotions (which is also just a thought).

There is so much growth in being willing to really feel shame, to be with it and to know that it is only an emotion; a vibration of energy in your body. Being able to accept your experience of shame is really powerful. What thoughts could you choose to think on purpose whilst you are experiencing the physical sensations of shame that make space for it rather than battle it or try to get rid of it?
Feel free to bring this back for more coaching, and we can also coach you on the situation too.