Shame and lack of confidence (when playing sports)

Hello there, I am struggling with some negative thoughts and emotions after my sports training today. I came straight home and went to the thought models to try to understand what is going on but I might need your help. I will give a bit of background to this situation and then try to apply the models.

Half a year ago I decided to start playing a sport. For some, this must have been an easy decision but for me, it was a tough one. Growing up I have not played any sports – other than the mandatory ones in schools where I was often mocked for being too tall or being not so good at sports (mainly by the teachers). When I suggested at home or around me that I would like to play sports, I remember the following things being said: Sports are for boys. You are tall and very very skinny, you should go to ‘model'(modelling) school not sports. If you play handball you will become even taller than you are and that is not nice. But I also suspect my parents didn’t have the means to pay for me to play a sport. Anyhow, I grew up thinking I am bad at sports and with my perfectionism and trying to be the best at everything, I preferred to stay away from sports. At 30, as we were coming out of the pandemic, in a country where everyone plays a sport, I made the big step to join a sports club and play badminton. I mention my age because this was a big deterrent for me to join. I am in the beginner’s group but we train and mix with other players from different levels. Today I went to practice and I knew just a few people from my group who usually hang always together and play also together and kind of avoid me (I guess not on purpose). I sat on the bench until someone came and asked me to play. I was in a team with an advanced player and I immediately told him I am a beginner and if he wants he can play with someone else. Sorry long story short, with every minute I played my mind was full of negative thoughts ‘ you are so bad at this sport’ ;’ you missed again, they are laughing at you’ and many more but you get the idea. After the game, I said I don’t feel well and I left home. I lied but I couldn’t keep hold of my thoughts which had taken over my emotions and couldn’t continue.

Here is my try at the model which I learned about this week:

Unintentional
C: Playing badminton in a team.
T: I am bad at sports.
F: I feel shame.
A: I make excuses not to go to badminton. When I am there, I tend to excuse myself that I am still a beginner and I am bad at sports. I avoid playing with the more advanced players (even though this is a good way to learn). I say sorry after each time I make a mistake or lose the shuttle. I leave the training earlier saying that I am tired and cannot continue (which is a lie).
R:I want to stop playing badminton even though I enjoy the sport very much.

I struggle with the intentional, I asked myself the questions ‘ what would I want to feel like?’ ‘What would I need to think in order to feel proud and competent to continue playing?’ I wrote down something for thought but I read it again and again and I struggle to believe this thought because all these years and negative thoughts have an impact on me.

Intentional
C: Playing badminton in a team
T: I am better at sports than I think (Is this a good example?)
F: Competent/Confident
A: Continue to train. Be courageous and go ask the more advanced players if you can play with them. Practice more often. Accept that you make mistakes. I make mistakes. Do not care what other people think of you.
R: Become a better player and continue to enjoy the game.

This shame of not being good at sports and always thinking about what other team members might think of me had an impact on my life. I want to continue playing in a team, I like to go to training and meet people, and I want to become better at this sport and be fit. Hope you can help me with the model, thank you very much.

Answer:

This is such a great submission and an experience that I think translates across many disciplines as a beginner. Being a beginner at something can be filled with challenges, insecurities and failures, and it is also a magical time because it’s actually the expectation that things are going to be tough!

Let’s take a look at the R line in your unintentional model. I wonder if a different R might be, “I stay in the belief that I’m bad at sports because I don’t give myself the opportunity to see a change.”

In your IM, you chose really interesting feelings (note: try to keep one feeling in the F line, it helps simplify and clarify the model). Confidence is created after we do something, and competence is created after we learn how. Since this is your goal, what are some things you think you’d need to feel on the way there? Willing? Eager? Discomfort? When you think of the things you’ll experience between where you are now and where you want to be, what thoughts arise? Come on back with what you discover and title your submission, Shame and lack of confidence pt. 2.