shame pt. II

Hi coaches, I am celebrating that I now feel safe enough to explore the topic of shame further.
Here are my UM:
C: Took time off work for mental health reasons. Communicated to my boss that I am off work because I don’t feel well mentally.
T: people will think I’m weak.
F: shame
S: sinking feeling in my stomach, tension in my body. Head ache
A: ruminate about what my colleagues are going to say/ask me, once I’m back at work. Ruminate about how talking about my mental health with my boss might negatively effect my career. Make myself wrong. Tell myself that things aren’t really that bad and I should feel so much better. Find it hard to look after myself during my absence. Bad sleep.
R: I think I am weak and make myself wrong for it.
C: annual work event coming up, where we meet all our customers. I might not be able to go. (I had to cancel my participation the previous two years at short notice, due to Covid infection/other health reasons)
T: all my meeting have to be cancelled AGAIN.
F: shame
S: sinking feeling in my stomach, tension in my body.
A: ruminate about how being sick and not going to work event three years in a row will look to my business partners, colleagues and boss. Ruminate about what people will think of me. Ruminate about how, people won’t want to meet with me in the future at this event.
Ruminate about consequences for my career.
Push myself to go to the event, even if i don’t feel well enough to go. Make myself wrong. Don’t look after myself.
R: I make myself wrong and treat myself poorly.
(Ironically I treat myself exactly the way I fear other people will treat me)
Thanks for your feedback.

 

 

Answer:

We’re celebrating all that you’ve done to bring your questions and that you have created safety for yourself. You’ve got some great insights here. In your second model, keep going. T: all my meetings have to be cancelled AGAIN….so, what? You’ve got a lot of the rumination topics in your action line, try giving them a voice. Try putting them in the thought line one at a time to see what’s happening. See where your nervous system might still be very afraid of what other people think.
Isn’t it fascinating how we create the exact thing we say we don’t want? Give yourself loads of compassion. Being a human is hard. You’re not doing anything wrong. What if you were willing to feel some shame around this but we just don’t make it a problem?