sharing difficult responsibilities

I am deep in my autumn. moving houses coming up which is timed well with my two weeks off between jobs and with my partners promotion/increase in responsibilities, learning curve, stress, and increased demands on his time. I am trying to manage my thoughts around the move and create a feeling of confidence. One thing that’s happening is we keep going back to arguing about our past move from two years ago. We each feel like we did the lions share of the work to get us moved a long distance in a short timeline, during covid, with a lot of stress and too much chaos. my partner has a cumbersome music hobby/passion with lots of heavy vintage electronic gear. Try as I might not too, I resent him this passion, especially as I feel I’ve lost my own interests mostly from the stress of being thrust into working in healthcare during covid. It feels like the bulk of the shared things that keep our lives together fall to me (kitchen, books, etc) and his music stuff takes his moving energy. He says I check out when the chips are down. he might be right. It usually the end of the month, last minute, and in the thick of my difficult autumn and I hate operating this way. This morning an ill-timed suggestion for the upcoming move devolved into a full-on brawl rehashing the past. All of my intentional models were so hard to find, I felt my progress was lost and everything Felt sticky and doomed.

Answer:

It may feel like your progress was lost; however, what is different this time compared to before you started doing this work?

Let’s take a look at one of your models for better understanding of what is going on.

C: Partner makes a suggestion about the move
T: Music stuff takes his moving energy
F: Resentful
A: Argue with him
A: Think about how I did the lion’s share of the move last time
A: Think about how he has a passion, and I have lost my interests
A: Think about how I am responsible for the things that we share
A: Don’t see the ways in which I do things for myself
A: Don’t recognize the things he does
A: Check out and don’t tell him what I need or want
R: I use my energy for things that don’t help the move

What do you think?

If this model seems about right, then take some time here. Understand that of course you feel resentful when you think his music stuff takes his moving energy. Show yourself compassion that this is what is created with those thoughts. Once you can see and feel this, then question how your thought may not be completely true.

When an intentional model is hard to access, many times it is because we are trying to move to it too quickly. We have to stop and understand the model we are in. Look at the model with compassion, and then challenge it.

How does that feel?