Situationship ending – celebration and lessons

Hi,
I’ve just come out of a 2.5 month situationship – and I wanted to take stock of it and celebrate how I handled it, because I think it shows a lot of growth!
When we first met, he said quite early on that he just wanted something casual. I was in the middle of a big work project, so although ultimately I’ve known for a while this year that I’m looking for something more, I was open to having some ‘fun’.
But tbh, nothing about it felt casual! We only saw each other 3 times, but messaged quite intensively, sometimes for hours a day…. I chose to give it more of a chance and explore the connection.
However I had this growing resent at investing so much time and energy into something where I didn’t know where I stood or if it was going anywhere. Then the last straw was him cancelling a plan, the weekend I had a big work rejection (because he was hungover – and he did it at 3:30pm on the day…). It highlighted to me that I do want someone who will show up for me, and that ultimately I want MORE.
So I asked for a chat about it and explained that I needed to know if we were intentionally dating to be able to continue things, or that we’d need to end things. He chose to end it. And you know what? I am SO glad that I didn’t let it go on any longer.
In the past, I’ve let things that weren’t working drag on longer than they needed to, feeling unhappy. But my tolerance has gone completely for that. It feels so good!
The one thing I’ve noticed since is the return of some dramatic thoughts like – ‘what if I never meet anyone and am alone forever’….
Logically I know that I’m closer to meeting someone now because I’m genuinely ready (and this showed me I can handle dating alongside big work projects which was a big thing for me not trusting in the past) AND less willing to put up with the bullshit along the way — but I don’t always believe that.
Something else I noticed was that during the dating process with this person, there were points where I felt very confident about it and sure of him. This sense of ‘this is it!’ And then it didn’t work out that way. It makes me feel a bit silly and scared to be so positive in dating the next person. But then the alternative is going into it negatively which I don’t want either.
Do you have any disappointment on dealing with set-backs when you’re thinking positively and expansively in dating and beyond?
Thanks so much

 

 

Answer:

I choose not to believe that set-backs exist. How else could you tell this story if that was true?  What do you think about the fact that you sensed this was it? Check in with yourself. Do what you need to do to build trust.  If you trust you, that rest always works out just as it’s supposed to.

Also, it’s ok to grieve a relationship and the future you imagined even when it doesn’t work out and you know you made the right decision.