Snapping at my partner

I grew up in a household where both parents worked in emotionally and physically demanding jobs and it was commonplace for them to come home and take their frustration out on the rest of us by snapping, being sarcastic or critical. I didn’t enjoy this at all growing up and it made me sad and I spent a lot of my time trying to placate everyone so no one would be annoyed. But I’ve definitely picked up some of these attributes and when I lived with my partner last year I would snap and get critical if I felt overwhelmed or had had a stressful day. We’re not living together at the moment as they have a job abroad but I want to improve on this as it’s not nice for either of us and they also have rejection sensitivity. I have tried to kind of take a breath or get some space and it doesn’t happen every day but in stressful times it can happen too frequently and it causes tension between us. I’m looking for ways to stop this happening and to not take my stress out on the person who is trying to help me. I’ve tried to do a model for it but I’m not completely sure if it’s the right one:

C: stressor
T: this is too much/ why is no one helping me or understanding
F: overwhelm/ frustration
A: go into fight/ flight mode
want everything to be perfect
snap at my partner and be critical
speak harshly to myself
R: more stress and I’m annoyed at myself for being like this

 

 

Answer:

Your model looks good, try to keep just one thought and emotion/model and if possible pick a specific situation that you would describe as a stressor, but otherwise you’ve been able to discover how when you think it’s too much you create more stress and pain to what you are already dealing with. You also create some distance in your relationship which continues to show your brain that no one is helping you or understanding.

Write down what you really want your life to look like as you walk in the door after a stressful day. Imagine exactly what you would like to happen, how your partner would act, what they would say, what the house would look like, what you’d do, what you wouldn’t have to do, how you’d take care of your nervous system, etc.  Really imagine it.  How would you feel if that was true? That’s what you’re really looking for.

Then turn around your thought and ask yourself: What can I do to help myself and understand myself?

You’ve picked up these habits in an understandable way. Most humans react differently when they are stressed/activated than when they are not and most humans take that stress out on the people they love most.  It’s not our favorite way to behave but have some compassion for the part of you that does it. What would be different if you viewed this not as a problem to be fixed but something you wanted to deeply understand and support?