Social anxiety/RSD or living my truth

Hello, we have been invited to a wedding in Thailand next Easter. It is my husband’s friend getting married. My husband’s brother, wife and kids are going. My parents in law are potentially invited and want to go. My husband, Dom, thinks this is a holiday of a life time for our little family (we have a 7 year old son and 4 year old daughter).

I can pros and cons this til the cows come home in terms of it being a big cost (unaffordable for me, but dom says he will pay) quality time for our kids with their cousins and grandparents, amazing experience for them to see a different culture, would my daughter even remember it as she is so young? The bottom line is I don’t want to go…

I am trying to work out if this is because I am developing social anxiety. Or because at the grand age of 38 I am finally being honest about the things I want to do and things I don’t want to.

My husband is irratating at weddings and gets overexcited with drinking and I feel like I have no wing man of support when amongst his friends. However he puts in the effort with my friends and I feel guilty that I don’t want to reciprocate. 10 years ago I would have and got stuck into drinking and been the life and soul. But I think I was masking something then. As a child and teenager at family parties I felt huge insecurity at small talk and talking to people and felt people were bored talking to me. I used to hide in the kitchen talking to the caterers instead. I feel like this all over again unless I am with my safe people. We were only at a 40th party last weekend with my husband’s friends and 2 people made excuses to move away and talk to other people and I felt so crushed the next day. Like it reconfirm all my thoughts about being boring just like when I was a child and I don’t have alcohol to lean on.

I can’t bear the thought of 2 weeks of this in Thailand. 2 weeks of feeling like crap about myself. I know I would lean on the kids, looking after them instead of relaxing and enjoying myself talking to people. I don’t want to drink myself stupid anymore so that means sober small talk for such a long time…

But I can see how disappointed Dom is. He really wants us all to go out and have a wonderful family holiday together with his family and friends. He also acknowledges that he doesn’t want to drag me out and me be a misery of worry on his shoulder bringing his holiday on a downer. Which I do have the potential to do if I feel really insecure.

I never used to be like this. I used to be so relaxed, confident and social. This person I am showing him was not he person he married. But I was using alcohol then…

Please can you help me work out what to do? I don’t want to let everyone down, but I also don’t want to let myself down either…

Ps I am fine socially around my friends. I talk to people in the street. It’s just the big parties where I feel like I need to be really fun, on great form, interesting, having the best time

 

 

Answer:

Your brain is giving you two options right now. 1. go and be miserable for two weeks and 2. stay home and disappoint Dom/the family.  This is a lie. Those are not your only options.

Let’s take another look at your pros and cons list and why it isn’t helping. Look at your reasons for staying and your reasons for going.  Take some time and look at your why. From what you’ve written here it looks like:

Staying: You get to avoid feeling bad about yourself (fear based)

Going: You get to avoid feeling bad about yourself (people pleasing)

These are valid reasons and you are welcome to keep them. They don’t seem to be producing the result you want. Everything we do will be 50/50 comfortable and uncomfortable feelings. As you think about this trip, you just get to decide what you want most.

Try filling out these models:

C: wedding in Thailand

T:

F: confident

A: stay home, how do you show up before, during and after?

R: I love me

C: wedding in Thailand

T:

F: confident

A: go to the wedding, how do you show up before, during and after?

R: I love me

You are amazing worthy and whole just as you are my friend. What would love do?