Speaking up and out = panic state and self hatred – Part 2

Hello coach, thanks for the response and dissecting the model and sitaution.

“Is it 100% true that everyone hates you?” – It is not true at all. Some people might hate, dislike me, feel neutral, not know me, like me, love me, but i don’t know about all of them. I only know of some who like and love me in that group.

“Is it possible that there is another way to think in this situation? What does that sound like?” – oh plenty of ways some of my go-to’s:
T: I make a big deal of nothing
T: I am a pest/ annoyance/ irritation
T: I should just shut up.
T: I shouldn’t have sent that.

“Why does your brain go to everyone hates you?” – Because I am making a stance, and i am not falling in line or letting things pass. I’m making a fuss. Even though none of that is a bad thing in my view, given the circumstance, my thinking goes towards people are annoyed at me or think i’m ridiculous or making a big deal of nothing , and therefore i spiral/exagerate into everyone hates me.

“As for your goals for what actions to take” – not send the bloody message, letting go of the issue with my landowner, or the flip side: making an action plan on how to tackle the issue with my landowner alone, rallying the neighbourhood into a union or collective action

“and what results you want to create” – self care, calming self down, accepting that some fights i don’t have in me (due to resilience and health) even though it means choosing the side of the ‘oppressor’ and goes against my core, or the flip side: fighting the range of ‘oppressive’ behaviours this landowner has as a group

“what thoughts would create those models for you?” – the best activism i can do right now is to take care of myself and let this go, or the flip side: i can do this, or we can do this as a community

“How would you have to feel to” …..
“not send the message,” – centered (to the letting go)
“think and pause first,” – centered (to allow a calm pause)
“or send the message with the energy of resilience?” – also centered actually!!! (to allow for calm acceptance/ self assurance / self support)

“What results would these actions create? Try creating two different models.”

IM1 – i dont send the message
C – I’ve drafted a message to our neighbourhood to inform about more shit the landowner is doing
T – the best activism i can do right now is to take care of myself and let this go
F – sad, disappointed, relieved, scared, angry (this was supposed to be centered but it’s not working with this thought)
S – tears, heavy breath, tense,
A – Not send the message, work on letting go the issue and living with it in priority of my health
R – I don’t send the message, I don’t engage in this fight, I work letting go.

IM2 – i think and pause
C – I’ve drafted a message to our neighbourhood to inform about more shit the landowner is doing
T – is this the best way to deal with what is happening?
F – curious
S – ?
A – think and pause, question whether this platform, this message, this time is right for this issue
R – I send the message or don’t send the message, depending on the result of that thinking

IM3 – send the message with the energy of resilience
C – I’ve drafted a message to our neighbourhood to inform about more shit the landowner is doing
T – Other neighbours/tenants need to know about this
F – Adamant , assured
S – solid in the body
A – send the message
R – message sent and …?

“What comes up for you?” – a few things!
– It’s clear to me that anger is behind this whole model, hidden because not mentioned. It is like these models IM1-2-3 are within the Action and Result line of another model where i’m reacting to the landowner’s shit and i’m angry
– IM3 was by far the hardest to do. I got stuck at the thought line.
– the main spiral/ panic and ‘everyone hates me’ issue arises when i HAVE sent the message though, and i’m not getting any responses or just repsonses i see as negative. Whereas the models we’re going into here are when i’m drafting the message.

I’m confused at what stage we should be looking at. I’ve talked myself into quite a mess here. So i’ll try simplify it by sharing these are the processes happening unintentionally:
(1) landowner does something shit again
(2) i get angry stressed upset
(3) i go into engaging with other neighbours about it with a message, sending it impulsively
(4) in the void of response for days or maybe a negative response, i spiral and panic
(5) i drop in self esteem and start hating myself
(6) i feel trapped between wanting to fight these things, but coming up against people who don’t want to or can’t, and i’m one of those who can’t (without harming myself) but i struggle to accept that
(7) isolation, both from my community and from myself in not being able (due to health) to fight issues how i want to and used to

Okay thanks coach!

 

 

Answer:

If it’s available to you, you could separate out your thoughts and the facts in this story. Currently you have an opinion in your circumstance, and that makes models tricky.  As for feeling in a bit of a mess. That’s ok. Brains do that.

What stands out most to me is your list of thoughts.  We all have patterns that our brain will default to in many situations.  How often do you find yourself thinking this way about yourself? What other situations do these come up in?

T: I make a big deal of nothing
T: I am a pest/ annoyance/ irritation
T: I should just shut up.
T: I shouldn’t have said that.

T: Everybody hates me.

Why do you think that is? Be compassionate and curious as you explore.  This land owner issue is a great opportunity to learn more about yourself. Even when it’s really uncomfortable.