Step into the light – career

These are the notes from the prompt questions from the step into the light podcast – surprised about what things came up, I’ve been feeling powerless and stuck in my career for a while and have used avoidance quite a lot, surprised at what came up when I started to probe deeper – not sure if I’m still at the root of the deep / specific ‘why’s’ yet and what will help me through it ;

Situation
Feeling small / keeping your self / editing yourself / trying to hide

With career
Just want to hide and it will go away

How does it feel on a sensory level

Overwhelm
A squashing
Clinging to safety
I’m not showing up as the capable and intelligent person I am and advocating for myself in my career

Why?
I’m scared if I find something I’ll like I’ll have to work hard
Why – because working hard has felt like this all or nothing thing, you can’t have a life and work hard
Why – m/d values of 9/5 and not working hard but working in different ways (hustling) instilled
Why – thought error, I already work hard / efficiently and maybe that’s just the nature of work?
Why – do I like to be good at what I do? I actually have more prided myself on doing the minimum and getting by and reaping the benefits – at uni and in teaching
Why – it feels safer to have more external goals, especially if they hinge on other people’s doing, then I don’t have to fail
Why – a fear of failure so I don’t even try
Why – failing is worse than not trying
Why – rejection from family, approval of career and things, they definitely approve of teaching (the reasons why I stay are probably the reasons why they like it)
Why – family rejection is something to be feared (but look at sister – they literally said she would be homeless in 5 years when she changed career and she is doing amazingly)
Why – I find it interesting that dad’s panic and fear can seem laughable and frivolous – whereas other peoples opinion feels like a big weight (mum – history of rejection)
Why – there is a lightness to the things with dad, I know he loves me, I’m not seeking his approval – there has been direct threat to the stability of the relationships of mum etc in the past, and there is a craving of approval there, she may say similar things to d but it stings so much worse
Why – mums approval always felt like something to vie for, in the child mindset – approve of me! Tell me it’s okay! Where dads lightness and chill has felt so much smaller than mums disapproval – even though they have always coexisted
Why – thought error , I can be an adult soothing my own inner child, I can give lightness and soothing to myself and accept it from those around me, and I can give less weight to fear that is only a projection of themselves

I felt like an imposter at uni and dragged myself through – not confident that I have skills which can be used, that I offer anything, that I’m intelligent
Why – I felt like nothing was ever enough, no one was proud when I went to Oxford, it was expected and I did it
Why – our family is not a joyfully exuberant celebratory family, I really value words of affirmation and this wasn’t offered – even my graduation was steeped in estrangement and horribleness
Why – my heart breaks when I think of my graduation, the epitome of brushing things under the carpet, what a painful horrible day, I don’t I’d really felt it until now, it feels like a crushing and sitting on my throat
I don’t know how we did the things that we did, me and my sister, after that Christmas where mum tried to estrange us
Things were so broken and shattered
We had to do things on our own
I feel overcome but a sense of loss and grief when I think of us – when I think of how I felt

This (career) was just supposed to be something to tide me over – only three months in did everything happen with the family
No fucking wonder it hasn’t been something I’ve wanted to think about
And with that added threat of changing leading to more friction
I can see why I’ve stayed away
How it was compassionate to stay away

I’m surprised that this is what it’s made up of

What would you need to believe in order to step into the light

That I am loved in my success and in my failures
That I am safe in my relationships when I change
I’m not scared of other peoples judgements
That no matter what happens I learn and I come out on top
I am loved in change

What would stepping into the light mean in this situation
In some respects I feel like in some ways I have this fuck you attitude or not caring about judgment in the same way – like in my hobbies, crafting and painting and swimming – and in my sexuality now, I love who I love and like it or lump it, and in my relationship I feel very safe

I hide behind the safety of my current job to not risk putting myself on show or be vulnerable so I can’t upset anyone or change in any way that might attract judgement (the judgement I’ve seen directed against sister etc)

Acceptance of discomfort and comfort

 

 

Answer:

So many good insights. How have you felt since you wrote all of this out? Where do you notice your energy wanting to take you now? Check in with your nervous system as well. It sounds like thinking of a career change=danger right now. How can you support your nervous system through this process? How is it completely understandable that you’ve made the choices you have so far?

As for finding the root and deeper things…you get to choose if that’s what you want to do right now. It might be helpful. It might not be necessary. You can explore this any time or never. What you want to look for as you’re working on stepping into the light is those things that will help you as you are becoming a person who is capable and intelligent and advocates for themselves in their career. YOu’re right where you need to be. Keep being curious and give yourself so much compassion.