The questions about what worked were really insightful. I would like to keep working through the second part of the questions since their answers brought up conflicting emotions and weren’t as clear as to how to use the insights gained.
Why do you want to have mastery in something?: I miss the feeling of ease, being able to express myself, to attain a state of flow, the sense of control that comes with doing sth well, and the feeling of confidence it brings. The other aspect is that I am afraid I am no longer good at building skills long-term, I know I can study for an exam but afterward, I quickly forget what I have learned and because of a long period of illness, I am unable to continue the things I used to be good at because I started learning them as a child. I suppose I have maintained certain language skills over time but even those have deteriorated to a point where I make mistakes and have to think about what I am doing and subsequently doubt myself.
In what ways is it a problem for you that you are trying different things right now?: I feel like I need to get on with building skills in terms of future employment as well as to be able to have activities that fulfill me and I can bond with other people over. Having so many open projects/ideas/things I have tried and would like to learn feels heavy and like I am constantly failing because I can’t keep up a regular practice. It makes it easy to not stick hard patches out or invest the time I would truly need to make progress. Not seeing progress makes me less likely to want to invest more energy because it feels like it just disappears into a void, especially since I am used to periods where I am unable to do much because of my health.
In what ways is it beneficial for you to try new things right now?:
I am in the process of finding or reinventing myself mostly in isolation so I can freely experiment without obvious consequences. I won’t rush into anything only to discover years later I don’t really like it, it keeps me from overworking and allows me to do a lot of things I enjoy even if only in small quantities. After not being able to do them for so long it saves me from the frustration of not being able to progress in sth after the beginners point bc of a lack of strength, coordination, etc. I also had a bad experience starting to play the violin as a child and when I realized it wasn’t for me my parents didn’t let me switch because they said I had to stick to it for a while to truly see whether it was for me and if I switched to the piano I wouldn’t want to practice either, after a couple of years when they realized I really didn’t enjoy it they offered me to stop but by then I had invested so much time I didn’t want to admit I hated it and stop and had internalized that another instrument would turn out similarly. I only stopped when my teacher died of a heart attack and I didn’t have the energy and motivation to look for a new one. I did try to take piano lessons a couple of years later but I got too sick shortly after, while I have tried to pick it up again a couple of times it never stuck for different reasons. It is now one of my open projects that I feel ashamed and disappointed of because I couldn’t see it through and never got out of the beginner phase.
Answer:
I wonder what the story about your ability to stick with something has become. Why do you feel ashamed and disappointed? What do you want to change about that story? Write those both down.
Your past self doesn’t have to dictate what’s possible for your future. If that’s true, what might a next step for you look like?
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