sticky models, super activated

Hello! I have a situation that is so immensely activating, my model becomes a total spiral. I got less than five hours of sleep because I started thinking super upsetting thoughts about it when I got home from work last night at midnight and then again this morning at six when the first light came in through my window. The thoughts are all about how unreasonable the other party is, how right I am, and how it’s going to become a stress nightmare to resolve. The situation is that my roof is leaking, has been since we moved in seven months ago, and the landlord has been saying they will fix it, but yesterday they were kind of like, yeah it’s still going to be a long time, we can’t afford to have it done. the landlords are the parents of a friend, they are here every day, swimming in the pool when it’s nice out, and doing some yard work. Actually the lady, who I’m feeling so angry with, only comes to swim, and the husband is here basically all day every day working on little projects and doing yard work. He is nice. He’s working on the roof, supposedly someone else is coming to help but finishing another project. Coming in, we didn’t really realize they would be so present. It’s also the most we’ve ever paid by far. The most activating things she said were like, you guys are getting a really good deal for what your getting. Which I become livid all over again just typing! because what good are all the fancy niceties without basic health, safety, and protection from the elements. The win here is that I was able to turn to my body, the sensations, and turned to my heart to ask, what is all this big strong protective energy protecting? And there I found a bunch of tenderness, yearning for safety and security, and grief and disappointment to be embroiled with yet another living situation renting from “community minded” rich boomers who really don’t seem to give a shit about my basic needs despite seemingly formalized legal agreements and the like. Beneath the big, puffing up the chest, self-righteous feelings, there is really tender ones, even if still quite dramatic. So that’s a win to uncover and a huge relief out of the super activated, crawling out of my skin feeling. I was experimenting with the thought “I trust myself to handle this.” and just feeling the sensations in my body. The problem is, I will still have to communicate with these people, and figure out how to honor my self and not be a doormat moving forward. It feels like extremes, doormat or hellfire. I feel like I need some kind of plan, like, if it’s not fixed by X date we will move out, or stop paying rent. Thinking about responding to their texts just launches me back down the activated thought spiral. I even caught myself yesterday slipping into the same type of models about other situations that are less important and urgent, but touch on some of the same themes. But I do feel heaps more regulated now. Thank you!

 

 

Answer:

First of all, great awareness of what’s happening for you and your nervous system. Are you feeling less activated now? If yes, continue on. If no, try the Creating Safety or Somatics workshop to find more tools to help. Of course your brain thinks that you need a plan to get out in order to feel better. That is of course always an option, to change where you live. I would offer that this is a great opportunity to figure out how to find the middle ground between doormat and hellfire when people aren’t acting the way you want them to.

Start by writing a big list of all the things you think landlords should and shouldn’t do. For example:

shouldn’t swim in the pool, shouldn’t be over every day, should charge lower rent, should follow written contracts,  should fix roof leaks in a timely manor, they shouldn’t text so much. Just dump it all out on paper.  That’s your manual for them. That’s where a lot of the drama is coming from. Some of the things you expect from a landlord you may want to keep and feel good about, but other parts you may want to let go for your own sake.

As you’ve noticed…they seem to be relatively happy with the situation. You are the one who is very uncomfortable. As you look at what you’ve written see what it’s creating for you. This alone is very powerful.