Stop doing something/Doing less

Doing it in a messy imperfect way, before going on thinking about how to write about this and how to put it perfect, I will just jump right into it today after the coaching with Maisie:
I have one issue, that is unsolved with my daughter and husband for months now and I am amazed that I cannot solve it, although normally I am quite good in solving things or coming up with new ideas on how to approach things. You might think this thing is little, but it really drives me crazy sometimes. So I will explain the situation: My daughter is 9 years old and has really wonderful long hair which she really loves. To be able to keep it beautiful and entangled, it has to be brushed every day and I brush and braid it for her every morning before she goes to school. Problem is: I don’t want to do that when I am on my period and feeling bad, and I don’t want to do this when I have to leave real early before everyone else for my job. And I also want my husband to do it sometimes and herself to learn how to do it. So I told her and my husband that I cannot do this on those days and they have to do it. But everytime I did that, they got into an argument about how my husband is not doing it in a careful way/not doing it right/hurting her so that they finally ended up not doing it. This would go on for a few days until I finally brushed her hair again because I knew, that if I wouldn’t do it, we would never be able to entangle it again and she would have to cut her hair off (which doesn’t seem like an option because she really loves her long hair). But naturally I felt bad about giving in.
So now we are still in a situation where I am always brushing and braiding her in the morning and on the evening before I have to leave early.
My husband had the opinion that if she wants to wear her hair long, she has to develop the capacity to brush and braid her hair by herself. If she does not, she has to let it cut off.
I agree with that but am wishing for him to make this clear to her in a caring way, so that’s it’s not always me solving things. I find it quite hard to just tell her “cut your hair off if you cannot do it alone” from one day to another. I want him to be responsible with this too. But he just does nothing about it all (probably because I am going on brushing ;-)). I have the opinion that she should have the freedom to choose her hair length, but, if she chooses long hair, that she should be developing the capacity to brush and braid her hair.
But I am not getting to the point were I am clear about what I want: I want that it’s possible for me AND my husband to brush her hair. And I want that my husband AND I guide our daughter to the point where, when she decides to keep her hair long, she will take responsibilty for it and learn how to brush and braid it.
So what is keeping me from getting there? I have considered different solutions: Not brushing her hair anymore. (I am anxious that it will look like crap and I will only get her head back worse and have more work). Telling them about it. Be clear about it and stay with my decision. But until now I don’t get there because it seems so much more comfortable doing it the way I am now than going through all this conflict. But I know this can’t and should not go on forever. And I don’t want to feel like my daughter’s “maid” in this aspect and for her to always depend on me concerning her hair and getting ready for school.
I hope you have some advise for me here! What should I focus on in solving this issue?
All this written, knowing that, apart from this topic, we all three have a really loving and responsible relationship, usually don’t avoid conflicts and that my daughter is quite independant in so many other aspects . 🙂
Thank you!

 

 

Answer:

You have two places where you are resisting reality and creating a lot of pain and drama: Your husband doesn’t want to do her hair and neither does your daughter. You continuing to want them to is the only problem. The truth is, you do want her to have long hair and you do want to brush and braid it because you care about your daughter’s wishes and you care about how she looks. Humans only do one thing, what they want.

Now, if you truly do not want to continue this way you have a couple of options. Keep doing her hair until she’s able to do it herself but drop the part where you expect anything different from your family and instead use that emotional energy somewhere you would like to put it. Own your decision. Question the thought that you’re being her maid, that is not getting you a good result. You could decide as a parent to cut her hair from a place of love and confidence in your decision. You could use your husband as an example and follow his lead. He’s very clear about what he thinks and he’s following through and he’s not worried about it. Instead of you trying to get him to be like you, what if you tried to be like him? What else?

It sounds like what you really want here is to feel peace around her hair. That is totally within your power. Create an intentional model with the emotion you want at the center and fill out the rest from there. See what comes up and keep asking messy imperfect questions so we can support you.