Stressing about a social event

Hello, dear coaches,

my question is about a specific event but it is also a pattern that comes up for me with in some form or the other with nearly any social occasion, so I could really use some coaching with it.
There is a work-related but not very formal party tonight, and I don’t want to go. My thoughts are: It’s going to be stressful, I don’t know who is going to be there and I don’t feel fit for smalltalk. Also I have many other things I would like to focus on this weekend and I feel this party is taking up to much of my energy already with all my thoughts about what to wear, when and how to go, when to shower beforehand (my mind gets very specific when worrying) etc, and I fear it will continue to negatively influence me tomorrow as I am going to be tired or maybe feel the effects of drinking alcohol. Also I don’t know what to wear and feel like I have to go shopping beforehand to create a good enough outfit and I really do not like to go shopping. I think I should just skip the party but then I already spent so much time worrying about it, I might as well go and (maybe) even enjoy myself. Also if I don’t go I am certain I will have FOMO, I will feel like I missed an opportunity for connecting with (potential) business partners and I will berate myself for probably not doing all the other stuff I wanted to do anyway. But IF I go AND try to do everything else on my list, I fear I’m going to feel depleted after the weekend. I long for a weekend that is just rest and pleasure but somehow I’m not able to create this for myself. My period started 6 days ago and stopped two days ago so I feel like I should already be in my spring and have no “excuse” for being unsociable.
I tried doing a thought model – I am new here and just watched the Self Coaching video in Harness Your Hormones, so I hope it makes sense:
C: There is a party tonight.
T: Going to the party creates too much stress.
F: overwhelmed
A: ruminating, questioning myself, don’t fully commit to going, don’t plan anything else
R: I am completely stressed, whether I go or not.

I am so grateful for any tips how to approach situations like these! How do I find the right balance so I don’t overexert myself but also don’t withdraw from every social event?

 

Answer:

That is a great model! You are correct. When you think the party is stressful, you create stress for yourself.

Everything here is a choice. You can choose to go, or you can choose to not go. You can choose to get an outfit or you can choose to wear something you have or borrow from someone. So many choices. The problem is that you are not making decisions, having your back, and moving on from that decision.

It makes sense that you are overwhelmed if you keep thinking about the decisions to make, and not deciding on any of them. This forces your brain to hold onto all of it. The brain does best if it takes one decision at a time. That also means that when you make your decision, don’t question it. Trust that you chose the best answer for you, and move to the next questions.

What would the best first questions be?
Maybe whether or not to go to the party?

If you decide to go to the party, how will you feel?
You have talked about the stress and all the reasons you don’t want to go. You also mentioned that you might have fun.Which feeling is more dominant when you consider this decision?

If you decided to not go to the party, how would you feel?
You mentioned that you might rest more, and do things you wanted to get done. You also mentioned that you would feel FOMO. Which of these feelings is strongest?

We want to make decisions from more attractive feelings like confidence, curiosity, pleasure. We do not make our best decisions when they are driven by fear, stress, sadness, etc

Now that you have looked at these options, which one would you choose?