Struggling while Waiting for Autism Assessment

I am struggling as I wait for my autism assessment coming up in June and July. I am feeling a lot of things and having a lot of thoughts so I’ve tried to break them down into bullets.

• anxiety and worry about what will happen to my mental state if I do not get the confirmation of an autism assessment
• beating myself up as I believe in self diagnosis but don’t feel empowered or “correct” in sharing that I am autistic without an official diagnosis
• struggling to understand why I personally need the official diagnosis to believe it is real when I feel it in my bones that it is
• want to share with others but refuse to without an official diagnosis, knowing that many would fight me and say I am “appropriating neurodiversity” without an official diagnosis (I know I can’t KNOW that this would be their reaction for sure, but based on patterns of behavior I “know” they will. That thought is causing fear, apprehension, self doubt, and I end up gaslighting myself.)

I haven’t been able to really do an intentional model because I can’t get out of my own way. But here are some of the unintentional ones I’ve done:

C: waiting to be assessed for autism
T: what if the doctor says I am not autistic?
F: nervous
A: speak to my husband about my feelings, fall down thought spirals about how devastated I will be if it comes back as not autistic, wonder how I can come out as autistic without a proper diagnosis, beat myself up about both believing in self diagnosis validity but not thinking it applies here in a “sharing with my community” aspect, gaslight myself about my experience, remember all the ways it has come up in my life and harmed relationships, myself, or experiences as I try to navigate the world feeling “other”
R: I experience feelings of isolation and worry

C: waiting to be assessed for autism
T: people won’t believe me if I come out as autistic if I do not have a proper medical diagnosis
F: defensive
A: I imagine what it would be like to share with my parents or post on Facebook that i am autistic without an official diagnosis and the arguments I would get in with people, I feel my brain trying to avoid the thought, I buffer
R: I get anxious about wanting my assessment to come sooner

C: waiting to be assessed for autism
T: why do I care about coming out to other people when my diagnosis, self or official, is only for me and doesn’t change who I am?
F: annoyed
A: beat myself up for letting my thoughts about others take my power or doubt myself, argue the reasons why; like “it would explain everything” or “it would be a tool to create better boundaries” or “it would help them understand me and meet me where I am or get out of my way”
R: I gaslight myself and wonder if I am hoping for the diagnosis as an excuse for things rather than a tool for self compassion and understanding as I go through the world

I’m struggling to get out of my own head about this and think my brain will explode before my assessment begins as I have to wait 3-4 months for the answer, while also dreading the answer not being what I believe to be true.

Thank you!

 

Answer:

Thank you for bringing your models and questions to AAC. Let’s take a look at how to sharpen them up a little bit.

1) Turn the questions in your T lines of the first and third models into statements by answering the questions that you ask. The answers to our questions reveal our deeper thoughts about the C.

2) Ts are directly correlated to Rs, but they are not in the models above. My guess is that in each of these models, you’re already living in the reality where you have to fight to defend what you believe is true whether you receive a validating diagnosis or not.

Your default beliefs have the mic right now, and they are bringing all of their charisma to the stage. It’s like a watching a show that you can’t stand to watch, but you can’t look away either. It’s okay that this is happening – normal even. But now that you’ve identified some of these thoughts, you get to choose what you’d like to do with them. Do you continue to let them hijack the mic, or pull the plug?

Is there any voice that is whispering about the equal possibility that your assessment will validate your assumptions? How does it feel when you think that thought?

What other Ts are lingering in the wings wanting to share a different story that need a little encouragement to actually walk out on stage? Do any of those make you feel calm, confident, willing or open? Or anything else that feels a little more ease-ful? What are those?

Come on back with your ideas and wing-dwelling Ts for some more coaching.