Struggling with someone’s view of me – Part 6

Hiya coach

You say to look back at what has already shifted. Not much. 🙁 I still think about what Kera thinks of me occaisionally, and get upset about it. And i make up stories i’m not sure are true that make me feel worse. One thing has changed is that I haven’t heard any new information of what Kera thinks of me.

Anyway back to the general gist of the coaching… I was feeling lost again in the coaching and lost in what was my aim. So I decided to do a whole read through of our 5 part coaching.

There was an element even from part 1 that I hadn’t latched on to. It came back in part 5 and seem valuable that I answer.

That coaching point was the one about accepting the feelings as they are now, and not tuning them out. Whereas I have been so focussed on the solution of training myself out of these feelings WHILE I am in them. Yes, my approach has been to avoid/ tune the feelings out.

The solution in fact, as I see it now from coaching is:

1 – First accept the feelings. Make sense of them, legitimise them, thank self. (But you said don’t let them define you in Part 2. How? The answer to that would help avoid the doom spiral).

2 – Then tend to your nervous system, and find ways to love yourself while in the doom spiral. (You said here to call on my ladder thoughts. I have thought of ways to do that. But aren’t those ladder thoughts a way to deny my current feelings?)

3 – Then, only when you are out of depletion and doom spiral, you can practice shifting
your thoughts and reactions. (Is this by recounting the experience and inserting the ladder thoughts?)

And last question: have I understood correctly that this is the process you are suggesting? As a solution to moving forwards?

Thank you

Answer:

Isn’t it beautiful when the coaching all ties together? Great job going back and finding the connection points. To answer your questions…

What do you think defines a person? Feelings are a response to how we think (for the most part). What having them means is up to you and the story you want to tell yourself about yourself. How do you define yourself, even when you’re having hard feelings? Perhaps you’re a deeply feeling person, or a sensitive individual, or someone who is learning to navigate hard emotions.
Ladder thoughts show us that there are other ways to think – they open us up to what’s possible even while we’re feeling what we’re feeling.
It’s easiest to tend to our nervous system when we’re doom spiralling – doing thought work happens best when we feel safe. When we are safe inside our own bodies, we can take a 10,000 foot view of how we showed up, and how we can show up differently going forward (reflecting and planning).

Our general process for moving through activated states is exactly what you’ve stated: Notice and accept the feelings, tend to your nervous system, and once you’ve moved out of the activated state and into a safer feeling state, that’s the easiest time to dive into thought work. But I’d like to point out that this is what you’ve outlined as a process as well (which is awesome)…can you trust your intuition and move forward with the framework that you’ve identified? Notice what comes up when you think about trying it out in the future with a similar situation.