Supporting my partner in illness when I’m burnt out

My husband had a mental breakdown two years ago and I was left to care for our 18 month old solo while he was recovering (he was still at home with us but couldn’t really get out of bed much and I was very very lonely during this time).

Since then, through therapy and medication, he’s managed to return to being an extremely present father and husband, and now we have a 9 month old alongside our 3 year old.

Recently my husband has had several health issues (ear infection, colds, lethargy, sleep disorder) which have left him unable to parent much during the weekends. I am now back to work part time and the rest of the time I’m primary carer for our kids.

I appreciate the weekends are the only time he has to recover from a long week at work full time. But I am at my limit of him getting to the weekend and being Ill all weekend while I’m carrying the burden of childcare and house chores.

It’s gotten the point where if he says he’s feeling even a tiny bit unwell I just lose it with him and become so so angry. I know it’s a trigger reminding me of the difficult time we went through as a family when he had his breakdown, but now whenever he is ill I just feel so so angry and let down by him which just isn’t fair on him.

We don’t have family nearby and we don’t have enough money for further childcare help. I’m just feeling lost at how to deal with this anger.

Answer:

When you say, “I just feel so so angry and let down by him, which just isn’t fair on him,” how do you feel? I want you to know that it’s okay to feel angry and disappointed. It may not be an enjoyable experience to have those feelings, but it’s not inherently wrong to have them. It makes sense that you do when you look at what thoughts you have about your role during this time (namely, “I’m carrying the burden of childcare and house chores”).
One way to start to process these feelings is accepting their presence, and leaving the fairness of their existence totally out of the equation. They are here. They keep coming up. They are trying to tell you something. When you accept, “Yes, I feel very angry, and it doesn’t mean that I’m a bad wife, or that my husband is _____, or our marriage is _______, etc.” you can start to get curious and a more objective. You could even invite Anger in to a cup of tea and a chat. What would Anger have to tell you about why it’s here? What do you notice arises for you when you step into this space with your anger?
When you have some time, take a listen to any of these podcasts, call replays or webinars: Episode 94 – Emotions, The Emotions Coaching Call, the Creating Safety Webinar in the Cycle Toolkit, and the Somatics with Victoria Albina webinar in the Bonuses tab. There is no wrong place to start. Come back to us when you’re ready for more coaching with a submission titled, “Illness, burn out and anger pt. 2”