Supporting someone else

I’ve been seeing someone for the last couple of months, most of the time we didn’t really have anything because I feel that I don’t want to be in anything that’s romantic with him.
That being said, in both of our lives we’ve had some recent losses of family members and I feel like he has listened to me when I wanted to talk about it and I’ve really appreciated that.
That being said, I have ‘broken up’ with him a few times because as I said, I didn’t want to have a relationship of any other kind than friends with him.
I feel like lately he has been needing me a lot for his support because his grandmother just passed away.
He will ask me if I want to have dinner or something with him and I’ll say yes because I want to be supportive, but I feel like it has really been hurting me because I don’t like him in that way and I feel like I completely lose myself and who I am when I am with him also because we almost always drink and then I end up sleeping with him and it becomes harder and harder to get out of it and it will hurt him so much.
And the difficulty is that we work together, so I have to see him often I find it really hard to say no.
We have scheduled a dinner within 2 days and I actually don’t want to go , but I know he needs me to be his friend right now… And I feel myself also acting as if we’re in a relationship because I feel like I want to be in a relationship, but not with him.

Answer:

I’d love for you to take a moment to examine the thought, “I know he needs me to be his friend right now.” This is you trying to be in another person’s model. None of us actually know what someone else needs, but it doesn’t stop us from giving it our best guesses, and sometimes to our own detriment. First of all, there is nothing wrong with the fact that you’re doing this – it’s a learned behavior (especially if you’ve been socialized as a woman), and it’s incredibly human. So let’s get into your model…
C: Other person
T: He needs me to be his friend right now
F: Obligated? (just guessing)
A: Say yes when I want to say no, act as if I’m in a relationship with him, don’t act how I’d like to in this relationship, lose myself and who I am, drink, have sex with him
R: I am not my own friend right now
What is your desired result here? What would you need to do and not do to create that result? How would you have to feel to take those actions? What would you need to think to feel that way?

Maisie has a great podcast called Being Nice vs. Being Kind. Episode 45. Have a listen and come back to us when you’re ready for more coaching. You got this.