Taking on mother’s emotions

I’d like some help stopping myself ruminating over a conversation with my mom, that brought up so many issues for me. I’ve been doing models and trying to find helpful thoughts so that I can move to peace & acceptance, but I’m finding it hard.

The conversation was her asking me to lie to her siblings about the fact that I’m home on sick leave, and pretend I’m home for other reasons. I do understand her reasoning  – we all have a difficult relationship with one of her siblings and I don’t even really want that person to know the nature of these private health issues. However, the conversation that transpired when discussing this didn’t go very well. She vented at me about how difficult all of my stuff has been on her. As I type this, I think I sound selfish… It’s hard to explain. I got upset that when I’m really unwell physically and mentally and have come home for support, she sort of put “on” me all of her difficulties about my health stuff. When I’m in this difficult place right now, I wish she would protect me from how hard it all is on her. It triggered me because she so often puts big, emotional stuff on me and won’t see a therapist. She’ll vent at me about big stuff I find hard to listen to, stuff that I really think needs a professional’s support. But any time I’ve broached the subject of therapy with her, she snaps at me.

I know logically that with thoughtwork, just because she vents at me, I don’t need to take it on emotionally. But I do… I have done for years, and I don’t know how to stop.

 

 

Answer:

How does it feel when you think “I don’t know how to stop?”What model does it create for you?   How does it feel when you think “I need some help stopping myself from ruminating?” What model does it create for you? The second thought is a bit more subtle, but notice how what looks like a simple statement could be blocking you from getting what you want because you don’t think you have the answers within you.

Your mother gets to think and feel and do whatever she wants. The reason she doesn’t want you to tell the truth is because she doesn’t want to deal with the uncomfortable emotions she thinks it will bring up for her. Can you see that?

You want her to protect you from her emotions because you don’t want to deal with the uncomfortable emotions it brings up for you? Can you see that?

What if you had compassion for your mother and compassion for you and you just knew that part of coming home is accepting the humans who live there? Including you. It’s easy to drop into old patterns when we are home and ill. What if that’s not a problem?