Taking responsibility for people I don’t need to

I have a habit of feeling I need to take responsibilty for others. There was a girl I used to know at church with a chronic sickness and I thought it would be kind to say hi to her this Sunday. I wondered at the time why I felt the need (there were lots of people there). I did say hi and realised when I spoke to her why I used to find her annoying as she complained about things and was quite negative and asked nothing back. She said she wanted to go for a coffee and I said ‘definitely’ as I didn’t know what else to say. Now I feel quite stuck and obliged to go/not knowing how to get out. I also blame myself for going up to her in the first place!

C: saying yes to coffee with someone i don’t want to go to coffee with

T: I am stuck and can’t get out of this

F: anxious

A: avoid her/not reply to messages

I notice this is a pattern in my life. I felt guilt that morning about asking my husband to be out all afternoon as I was hosting friends, and guilt when I want to create time to do tfc stuff.

I also feel regular guilt for not contacting my mum enough – as she expresses feeling regularly sad that I don’t message her or see her as much as her friends’ adult children.

I want to be shed of my guilt!

 

 

Answer:

Do you want to go to coffee with her and find a way to enjoy it or do you want to say no and not feel guilty? Both of those options are on the table (as well as infinite other options you are currently blocking out). Which one feels most aligned with your values? The truth is, you were supposed to go and talk to her at church and you were supposed to say “definitely” when she asked you to coffee. We know that because that is what you did. Saying yes to coffee is not your problem. Your problem is you telling yourself you’re stuck and the story of how awful coffee with this person will be. What if you’re wrong about all of that? What if you’re wrong that what you did and said on Sunday at church is evidence of a pattern?

This could be the perfect opportunity to practice what you’ve learned here in TFC and own what you do next. How could you make this fun?