Taking things less personally

I used to work for a healthcare organisation with the tag line “Taking it personally” where the implication was to treat our patients the way we would wish our own family members to be treated. At the time, my lovely supervisor gently suggested I would do better to take things a bit less personally, as I was always on the verge of burning out.

I can see that this is the way I approach life in general – do everything to the best of my ability, but also there is a more literal interpretation of the “taking it personally” which means that I can struggle with criticism, feedback, or being in difficult situations where I infer that whatever it was “must “be my fault, or mean something about me as a person.

I can see that all of this is intwined with several themes
– being enough-ness
– perfectionism
– low self esteem
– seeking external validation

My question is how and where to start unpicking these things, with the aim of being able to work at a level that is “good enough” and cope at work without feeling that personally I’m “good enough”.

On a objective level, I can see that I am clinically good at what I do, I get on with and thrive off working in a team and the interaction that goes with it etc, and I have a lot of experience and so am employable, however now I am needing to apply for jobs after 2 years off for extended maternity leave /childcare/mental health recovery after a difficult pregnancy and having a baby in the pandemic, my brain keeps converting back to that fear state that was so familiar and resulted in me being on antidepressants and having sock leave for mental health burnout/anxiety every 1-2 years prior to this time off.

Thank you TFC team xxx

 

Answer:

The people around us are so good to offer us thoughts. Sometimes we latch on to them like they are facts, especially if it’s people we love or respect. This has happened with your supervisor’s thought:

I would do better to take things a bit less personally

It sounds like such lovely advice, but if you put this in a model you can see how it is creating a result where you are believing that you are not good enough and it’s showing up everywhere.

The first step to unpicking this is to just sit with this being a thought and not a fact. Take as long as you need to on this step and be extra compassionate. “I take things personally” has become how you identify yourself, and you believe it is a negative thing that holds you back.

Step number two would be to embrace it. Yes, it’s a thought and you can keep it if you want to. What is great about this part of you? How does it help you at work and at home?

You are not the same person you were two years ago, plus you have everything you’ve learned in TFC and all of our support.  Use those tools to calm your nervous system and focus on what you really want as you start your job search.  Remind yourself often that

you are whole and worthy just as you are. Bring back your questions about what comes up as you take these first steps.