Talking to my son about beautiful bodies

Hi, I would love some advice on talking about bodies and beauty to my children.

Over the last 6 months I have done a lot of work on myself in terms of accepting my body shape. I am probably in the best frame of mind I have ever been about my body (but still working on it ❤️)

Recently my son said to me on holiday that I have a fat tummy. I said yes I have soft wobbly tummy and I love it because you and your sister grew inside there when you were babies.

We later had a longer conversation where I asked him some questions. He was cagey to answer as he said he didn’t want to upset me but then said honestly that he didn’t think I am fat but I am not slim or thin. I am between slim and fat. And that if I was slimmer he thought I would be more beautiful.

I said, “OK. I am beautiful at the shape and size I am now” he said “yes mummy I know, but you would be more beautiful if you were slimmer”.

I talked about how I would still be the same person if I was fatter or thinner. The same mummy who loves him and that humans can naturally be all different shapes and sizes. And he said that he knew this and agreed with me.

Basically, I tried to handle this conversation as best as I could but the truth is I’m still working this all out in my mind too.

What I said about having a fat tummy from having children is just not true. It’s an excuse. I have fat on my body from eating too much. Until this year I have had a whole load of shame around my body and always being thinner (even at my thinnest). And this year I have put that to one side and really tried to practise accepting my body and eating habits. One day when I have fully accepted them, I know i will make a change but it will come from love rather than punishment and criticism.

Would you be able to offer some advice as to how to approach this better with my children? I don’t mind him saying that I am fat, but I do worry that he thinks slim is beautiful. Or am I being stupid? Is a slim body beautiful because it’s healthy and functioning and has vitality from eating and exercising well?

I have a daughter too and there is so much external noise about beauty standards. I really want to have my shit together so I can support them both and say, “no my loves, this is not how it is. All that crap about being thinner, musclier, whiter, darker, blonder, curvier etc etc is a lie so people can sell you stuff…this is the truth….”

But because I am not sure what the truth is myself I am not going to give them a clear positive message about this. I would love some help with this!! Thank you so much in advance…

 

Answer:

Thank you for asking this question, so many TFC members are on this journey to loving their whole selves and hoping for greater changes in society. First, celebrate yourself for how you have handled this! Acknowledge the work you have done and how well you were able to have this conversation that may not have been possible in the past.

Your brain offering you two lies: 1. that there is one right way to approach this with your children and 2. you have to have everything sorted out for yourself to be able to share the message you want with them.

The best thing we can do for our children is show them that we’re just humans doing our best. And sometimes our best isn’t very good. You are the parent of these children for a reason. You know them best and you know what’s important to you. Instead of getting stuck on doing it right, try opening up to this being an ongoing conversation that will happen here and there as they grow and as you grow and learn. Your job isn’t to make sure they don’t think skinny=attractive, it’s to be the kind of parent who shares their values with their children.

Just like many parents who get stuck on having “the birds and the bees” talk, when you allow for some awkwardness and questions you’re not sure how to answer and you recognize it’s not a one time thing, this conversation about bodies will feel less overwhelming. What do you want your children to know about their value? Start there and bring back any questions or models you come up with.