Text-guessing with a friend

Hihi!
As we are talking about relationships with Maggie, something popped up right after.
I got a lot of texts from my friend, she was talking about what happened tonight with her boyfriend.
At some point in her story in the texts she said:
‘Ik hoef verder geen filosofische antwoord ofzo😂 maar even uitleggen wat er in me broed’
And now in English ;): ‘I don’t want/need a philosophical answer or so, 😂 but explaining what is bothering me.’

After that I felt hurt/defensive because I had the following thought:
Unintentional model:
C: My friend says: I don’t want/need a philosophical answer or so, 😂 but explaining what is bothering me.
T: She thinks I sometimes give a philosophical answer and she thinks that’s ridiculous (because of the smiley)
F: Hurt
A: Respond short (like she wanted to)
Hesitating about what to say.
Reaffirming, yeah this is how she meant it.
Thinking about whether I should check with her what if she means my answers are more often philosophical & if she does not like that.
Think the thought: I really don’t like the way she brings it.
R: being hurt.

Intentional model
C: My friend says: I don’t want/need a philosophical answer or so, 😂 but explaining what is bothering me.
T: She is not in need of a philosophical answer.
F: Neutral
A: I respond to her short.
R: I was there for her.

While I write, I can see some things are big conclusions, but on the other hand, it feels also true. And if she meant it like that, I really don’t like the way she brings it up.
On the other hand, the thought that I can choose to think about it like in the intentional model feels really nice. But it also feels a bit fake like I would dismiss/avoid reality.
Also, I tried to find out what would be ‘the thing’ if she meant it like that. That would not be that she thinks I provide philosophical answers. I am okay with that. But more about that she would find my philosophical answers ridiculous, and not see/acknowledge that I try to give her a well-thought answer. Or ‘the thing’ is that she was thinking something about me but did not say it and says it now in between the sentences. At the end, I did not ask her because I also do not want to create a friendship in which the other person needs to walk on eggshells about what or what not to say.
And also I don’t like what I’ve written above, especially the thought that she would not see how I did my best for her, but this is another model I think also.
Oef… my brain is making a big thing of it.

Would you want to help me to unravel a bit?
Thankyou so much!

 

Answer:

Thank you very much for the translation  🙂  In your first model, your result is R: I am being ridiculous.

Now, I say that in the most loving way, let me explain. Look at your action line and how you are showing up in reponse to one sentence and one emoji on a phone. Notice in your story how you are the one who used the word ridiculous multiple times, not her. You are adding meaning to the text completely on your own and hurting yourself.

Give yourself compassion for reacting this way. It’s very understandable. When your friend texted that, you felt judged. We only feel judged when we believe what the other person is saying (or in this case, what she isn’t saying that you are inferring). Do you think you think you sometimes give philosophical answers when you shouldn’t? Do you worry that people think you are ridiculous? Process some of this before trying an intentional model. There’s no rush.

What if this simple text is the perfect thing you need to learn a bit more about yourself so you can be the friend you want to be to yourself and her?  See what come sup and bring back any questions or models.