The Delightful Cocktail of Bitterness, Anger and Insecurity at Work

I’m BIPOC have worked for many years at a prestigious company that has a race problem around progression, and I have direct experience of this in my career there. It’s taken a lot of work to feel safe and centred enough to decide to leave the company which I now have and seriously start looking elsewhere, this difficulty was partly based on the lack of self worth I internalised after so long there. I understand my part in allowing that story to become part of how I see myself and am practising taking 100% responsibility for myself but not being overly responsible for the unacceptable behaviour of others.

I took some time out of work recently partly due to burnout, and when I returned I found that an inexperienced and relatively junior member of my team who I had invested heavily in was promoted to cover me. Before I went off this person relied on me and asked for a significant amount of support which I willingly gave. She is not BIPOC and is what they would call “the right sort”. I’ve recently been told that she will be staying at this level (we now have the same job title). Since my return she has fallen into the habits of the rest of the team which include microagressions and othering behaviour, I suppose to fit in and feel safe in her new job. I have also noticed her trying to undermine things I say perhaps in an attempt to look knowledgable.

Sometimes I’m able to look pitiyingly on the whole operation and feel removed and positive about my future whilst I figure out my next steps, other times I feel betrayed, angry, incensed, bitter and resentful. I realise this is because of my thoughts but I don’t want to erase my legitimate grievances through thoughtwork. I want to be able to feel and sit with my emotions so they can be heard but I don’t know how to do this in a way that keeps me safe in this situation because I can’t seem to let go of the “story”. In addition I think there is also a part of me that feels critical, judgemental and disappointed in myself for feeling these things and wants me to rise above the prejudice I know exists in the world and that is directed at people of colour every day. I also know resentment is a sign of lack of self responsibility. Meanwhile my interactions with this person are uncomfortable, jabbing and disjointed and I feel highly activated and under threat when I see certain boundaries being transgressed by her and others.

How do I conduct myself in a way which is healthy and safe for myself, does not create conflict with others but is resilient and strong enough to allow me to cope with the conflict others bring? How do I make space for legitimate emotions without getting caught up in a quagmire of pettiness, resentment and bitterness and how can I put this person’s situation into perspective to FEEL (not just know) it has nothing to do with me and I don’t need to waste my time thinking about it.

 

Answer:

Your question is such a powerful one and you’ve done such a lot of thinking about this. Thought work is not learning to feel better all day every day, it’s learning to feel better. The goal is to fully experience the 50/50 of life. We don’t need to talk ourselves out of being a human with a brain. Right now the emotions you are experiencing are: betrayed, angry, incensed, bitter and resentful, pettiness. There’s no wrong emotion. You can keep them all. Which of these emotions do you feel are serving you?

Try on a thought like ” I notice I’m thinking x and feeling x and it’s ok.”  What would be different if you just let yourself sit with these emotions, knowing you are creating them but not trying to talk yourself out of them?

Now, if they are not serving you and you don’t want to keep them, I would offer that you take another look and choose emotions that you can own, that feel more aligned with who you are. The emotions you listed are very focused on others and you are creating extra suffering that generally keeps you stuck because your brain believes they are coming from outside of you. Some emotions that will still be painful but will move you forward may be: sadness, disappointment, loneliness. What if you allowed yourself to process these with love and compassion for you and the people you work with. It sounds like everyone there is just trying to survive with the tools they have, and they don’t have very good tools. You do, though. Plus, TFC has got your back. Bring anything that comes up as you explore this back for more coaching.