The hustle 2

Thanks for your help. If I never started something again then I couldn’t use that thing as a measure of who I am, couldn’t use it to define myself. Not sure why I need to be defined either.

My unintentional models
C.Yoga Class
T: I have to do this
F: Dread
S: tight stomach, hunched shoulders
A: zero in on that class like it is the thing I have to do right now, even if it’s over 24 hours away.
Noticing I’ve zeroed in and pulling myself out of that focus, acknowledging that it’s not my present moment
Take some deep breaths
Tell myself I don’t have to go
Remember that started yoga as a practice of self care
Notice if I’m feeling physically tired or overwhelmed in the current moment
Wonder if work is draining me or if it’s all in my head, or if I’m bad at boundaries
Remember that I’ve paid for this class and I’m wasting my money if I don’t go.
Judge myself for not building the skills to be ‘good’ at yoga
Doubt that I know what I need to do to help myself.
R. Make it mean an lot about who I am as a person if I change my mind about a yoga class

C: Yoga Class
T: If I stop I will never start again
F: Fear
S: heavy eyes and head. Want to curl up in bed
A: cry
Overwhelmed that I’m responsible for myself
Wish someone else could come in and make my decisions, carry my burdens
Judge myself for not having boundless energy
Judge myself as not handling life ‘right’
Judge myself for not eating ‘right’
Judge myself for not having friends that will come over and ‘save’ me or distract me from my feelings
Think I’ve done something wrong because I don’t have any of the above
want to be validated for giving up when I judge myself a failure.
R. Make what I do or don’t do/have be a measure of my self worth.

I didn’t release my fear was coming from a really loud inner critic.

 

 

Answer:

You’re on to something here. We’re celebrating your exploration with you. What patterns do you notice in both of these models? Where do you think these beliefs came from? Think about things you may have been taught directly or indirectly in your life. Is there a certain person whose voice you can hear when you find yourself equating your worth with what you do or don’t do/how long you do it for?

What did they say about what is “right.”  Do you want to continue borrowing their thoughts to use in your life? Give yourself so much compassion. If it feels available to you, give this person (or people) some compassion as well. We are all just humans doing our best. You might even try giving your inner critic some compassion…what would that sound like?