The lack of self trust which results in failure

I have been struggling the last couples of weeks because of so many reasons and things and I don’t know where to start or what to get coaching on first, but I am just gonna go with the most urgent, the 1 and a half week deadline.

I always think with my uni work, I am going to start early this time and do it extremely well, but it never happens… I always end up a week before deadline completely panicking.
I feel inadequate. I feel like I need more time to do and understand things than anybody else (on my course) and lately there is a certain feeling I’ve been having that keeps coming back penetrating my brain, staying longer and longer.
My mom passed away when I was 15, I had a very disciplined childhood because I did 15 hours of sports (ballet and gymnastics) a week as well as regular primary / high school, which meant that I never had time off.
I was always either doing homework, at school or at my sports and even after that she would still try to correct everything I did.

But equally she was the only person that I’ve ever felt that understood me so well and listened to me, heard me, believed in me and made me feel worthy when I felt I wasn’t or had another panic attack, she was always there.

I am 23 years old now and the older I become, the more I fuck things up, the more I am not being what I imagined myself to be, the more I slack in doing the things that are actually important to me, the more I feel like I can’t live without her.

I’ve driving myself crazy over thought that I can never be a good person or a disciplined person anymore without her, because I haven’t been that since I was 15. I feel like she would be disappointed in me.

And I don’t know how to trust myself enough that I can take care of myself, because I feel like I can’t.

 

Answer:

When you think thoughts like, “I can never be a good or disciplined person without her,” and, “She would be disappointed in me,” they seem so true, and we find ways to reinforce them and make them more and more believable. Just because these feel true doesn’t mean they are true. You’re not crazy…this is simply what your brain does on autopilot.
It’s very clear that your mother loved you with all of her heart. Imagine for a moment that your mom knows that you are missing her, and you’re learning to adjust to life without the one person who understood her, listened to her, believed in her, and made her feel worthy and she knows that you’re wobbling right now and thinking that you’ll never be a good or disciplined person without her. What might she say to you if she led with love? How might she listen if she listened with love? What might she do if she acted from love? Write it down. Notice what you think, feel, and experience when you do this exercise.
You are on an important journey of self-discovery and acceptance. Sometimes things feel hard and undirected and that’s okay. Sometimes we feel like we’re inadequate. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean it’s true. Change starts with awareness and is fueled by love and acceptance, and just by submitting this, you’ve started your process.
Come back to us when you’re ready for more coaching on this with part 2.