The Lack Of Self Trust Which Results In Failure Pt. 2

Thank you for the response to my last submission.
The suggested exercise made me cry a lot, but felt so good!

I handed in my work for uni. Incomplete to the requirements, but I felt motivated to continue in the next year.
Last week my tutor asked me to talk to me privately about my submission and yesterday we had a chat.
He told me how he and my main other tutor really like to work with me and believe in me and see the story and emotion and care in my work, but he asked if I think I could do better on the actual garments (I study Bespoke Tailoring) I said yes, without doubt.
He asked me where they could help because they see so much potential, but see that I am struggling to achieve what I have to and he wanted to understand why that was and how they could help.
I was so enormously honoured by this and it is the first time during my whole course that I felt what I wanted out of this course. Support of the tutor, encouragement.

As lovely as all of this is, it has made me really anxious.
And there is one thing that keeps going round and round in my head. ‘I feel like I can’t do it, but I know that I can. But I feel like I can’t. I feel paralysed.’

I feel so resistant and angry.

My mom was very precise and perfectionist and technical. I always felt the opposite.
And as a child I just wanted to play and try but she always pushed me to to everything perfectly, when I didn’t want to.
It made me angry.
I just want to do it, but I feel like I need her to sit down and do it with me.
I feel panicky and angry and resistant I feel like I want to scream and just be like just let me not do this. I want to go running again because I know it’s my best form of therapy but I feel so resistant to it!

I am so disappointed in myself for fucking so much up. I don’t know how I can overcome this.

The most scared I am is of myself and I don’t know how to overcome it.

I want be able to communicate and make the ideas in my head reality. It’s what I’ve been dreaming of my whole life and now that I have the opportunity I feel stuck in indecision and fear and resistance.

 

 

Answer:

Why not just scream and go for a run and then get back at it? Sounds like it would help settle your nervous system so you could access thoughtwork. There are the garments you’ve created and then there is the story you are telling. Part of that story is the one your tutors are telling that you get to believe or not. Part of it is about your past and your mum. Part of it is about you.

What parts of your story are serving you? Keep those parts.  The parts that are bringing up resistance, anger and self doubt, you can throw them in the bin with the rest of the scraps you don’t need.

What if learning to communicate and making the ideas in your head into reality is a skill you can learn? Try putting it in your result line.

C: my next garment

T: What would you want to feel?

F: What feeling would help you take this action?

A: What would you need to do to create this result? What would you stop doing?

R: I communicate and make my ideas a reality