The Marriage ‘Talk’ With Your Partner – not my coaching but I’ve borrowed the models!

I was looking for some useful models to help me process the loss of a relationship last year which I still periodically struggle with (he asked me to marry him then changed his mind). I came across the above coaching of someone at an earlier stage but found the questions useful and wrote some old models based on them to see where I still get stuck.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: It’s a declaration of ‘I love you and want to be with you’ and he’s not capable.
F: Upset
A: Take this personally and make it mean things about me.
A: Try to discuss things but then deteriorate into arguments
R: Struggled to bridge the gap between what we both want & need.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: It’s a declaration of ‘I love you and want to be with you’
F: Stuck
A: Take this personally and make it mean things about me.
A: Try to discuss things but then deteriorate into arguments
R: Struggled to bridge the gap between what we both want & need.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: It’s a declaration of ‘I love you and want to be with you’
F: Resentful
A: Take this personally and make it mean things about me.
A: Try to discuss things but then deteriorate into arguments
R: Struggled to bridge the gap between what we both want & need.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: He didn’t love me enough
F: Upset
A: Doubt myself
A: Doubt the quality of our relationship
A: Doubt J’s capability as an adult male and partner.
A: Don’t value what we have because it doesn’t meet my expectations.
R: Reinforced feelings of resentment and unhappiness.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: He didn’t love me enough
F: Resentful
A: Doubt myself.
A: Doubt the quality of our relationship.
A: Doubt J’s capability as an adult male and partner.
A: Don’t value what we have because it doesn’t meet my expectations.
R: Reinforced feelings of resentment and unhappiness.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: I felt like I was losing out
F: Stuck
A: Discuss the future.
A: Argue about the future.
R: Couldn’t agree a way forward so we’re not together.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: Marriage matters a great deal to me and I don’t see co-habiting as a commitment.
F: Stuck
A: Discuss the future.
A: Argued about the future.
R: Couldn’t agree a way forward so we’re not together.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: My relationship didn’t moving to the next level
F: Failure
A: Make this mean something about me and my value as a woman, as a partner.
A: Think about all the things he didn’t do how I think he should do them.
A: Argued about the future.
R: Couldn’t agree a way forward so we’re not together.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: This means that our relationship was not good
F: Failure
A: Make this mean something about me and my value as a woman, as a partner.
A: Argued about the future.
R: Couldn’t agree a way forward so we’re not together.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: It’s not fair that he wasted my time
F: Cheated
A: Repeatedly ask myself why he’s the second person I wanted to marry who didn’t want to marry me.
A: Make this mean something about me and my value as a woman, as a partner.
A: Think about all the things he doesn’t do how I think he should do them.
A: Argue about the future.
R: Struggled to enjoy our time together.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: He doesn’t trust me
F: Confused
A: Make this mean something about me and my value as a woman, as a partner.
A: Argue about the future.
R: Couldn’t agree a way forward so we’re not together.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: He and I are not his/my parents/friends/others
F: Resentful
A: Make this mean something about me and my value as a woman, as a partner.
A: Argue about the future.
R: Sit in the pain and resentment of the loss of the relationship.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: His argument isn’t valid.
F: Resentful
A: Make this mean something about me and my value as a woman, as a partner.
A: Think about all the times, all the things I have dealt with and processed through counselling, 12 steps and self improvement.
A: Think about the lack of effort he puts into dealing with/processing things and moving on.
R: Sit in the pain and resentment of the loss of the relationship.

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: I don’t want to waste more years in this relationship and still not be married
F: Stuck
A: Think about the arguments and disagreements.
A: Make this mean something about me and my value as a woman, as a partner.
A: Me reacting to his efforts at manipulation, him talking shit about marriage, me not feeling heard or respected.
R: Sit in the pain and resentment of the loss of the relationship, struggle to move on..

The end result was at the end of the relationship, and a year on, I’m left feeling a big sense of failure still, a big sense of loss. It taps into a lot of other thoughts I have about what it means to be a successful woman. I’ve answered the other questions below

What would be the best possible outcome that you could create for yourself without needing your partner to make a change? Stay together but live seperately, not have children. I offered this but he said no, said that I clearly wasn’t serious enough about having children and if I was I’d do it his way.
Would it be a shift in how you think about your relationship? I tried to do this (see below) but because he wasn’t willing to think differently, wasn’t willing to compromise what he wanted, it didn’t work and his behaviour only undermined the trust and respect I had for him.
A firmer and more empowered stance on what you want and need from a long term relationship and why? I tried to do this too – he wasn’t interested
A genuine acceptance and understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings about marriage? I felt this and spoke to him about the alternative – i.e. us not getting married would mean us not living together and not having children. Which I could live with comfortably if he could accept it. And I was confident that I could deal with the disappointment and move on. But he wouldn’t accept that and did everything he could think of to try and ground me down and undermine me, which I deeply resented.

I wrote the following model which I think is closer to a neutral than an intentional model but I often find this is all I need to start to break the cycle. I think it covers all the key points but is there anything else you can suggest?

C: J didn’t want to get married.
T: It’s his life and his choice.
F: Acceptance.
A: Don’t spend my time thinking about the past and re-hashing it.
A: Don’t make his thoughts mean anything about me and my value as a woman, as a partner.
A: Look forward, mentally and emotionally re-build.
R: Peace in my head and heart.

 

 

Answer:

Good work taking these prompts and adding your own thought work to them. This is going to be powerful just from what you’ve written out here.

I would offer that this thought: I still periodically struggle with the loss of a relationship last year

is not a problem. Do a thought download of your beliefs about how long you should still think about this relationship.

You’ve chosen the word struggle. That is a part of the process and it is also not a problem. However, If your goal is to find peace, let go. There’s no fight if you stop fighting.

What would be different if you stopped judging yourself and just let this be what it is?