The Marriage ‘Talk’ With Your Partner – Not My Coaching But I’ve Borrowed The Models! Part 2

My responses to the feedback/coaching is below. Do you have any thoughts about opening my mind up to new possibilities without all the judgements and my thoughts about other people’s possible judgements?

Thought download of beliefs about how long you should still think about this relationship.
– I feel embarrassed about this, I feel I should be ‘over it’ by now.
– On the other hand, I don’t want to be over it – I still have some odd attachment to it.
– To be over it would be to forget about it and I don’t want to do that.
– To be over it would be like it didn’t happen/would play down its importance to me.
– There isn’t anyone else.
– I don’t want to forget what it’s like being in a relationship.
– I want to be in a relationship.
– The relationships I have enjoyed the most were with men from dancing (B and J) – we connected over a shared interest in a safe and friendly mixed environment, and things went from there.
– I have thoughts about meeting someone else at dance:
— Every time I go out with someone new at dance it could create another awkward situation if/when it goes wrong (I gave up ballroom because I couldn’t process B or stand seeing him all the time).
— I don’t want other men to think that I am easy, or a target, I don’t want that kind of reputation (these are quite vague, general fears, nothing specific or something I’ve actually experienced – I’m simply worried about attracting comments/other people’s thoughts)
— There are two guys I like at tango, P & D, but I worry about impressing them, creating opportunities to dance with them, worried about missing cues that they may or may not be interested, etc.
— I don’t know either of them well and want to get to know them more but not knowing how to do that, worrying that they won’t be interested, wanting them to be interested and to actually ask me out etc etc.

What’s my goal?
– To find peace with the past and move on.

What would be different if you stopped judging yourself and just let this be what it is?
– So much would be different if I could drop the judgements about this. The thoughts and the judgement feel like an old habit. Like I’ve found a cassette of music that was my thing for a long time and I’ve put it on but then realised it’s not my thing anymore, it’s quite dated. Rather than continue to listen to it, I can just turn it off or play something else.

 

 

Answer:

Your openess with exploring this is beautiful to see. Celebrate you for getting curious with something that has been so painful. Take some time to just allow for these new thoughts to just be there and see how they feel. Notice your thoughts about what being “over it” means. Do you like the definitions you’ve come up with? Are they serving you as you keep moving forward towards your goal? I’d offer that being over an old partner can look like whatever you want it to. You get to decide that and then create it for yourself whenever you are ready. Use your imagination to paint a picture of your future that you love.

Any time we are grieving something, there will be times where our brain refuses to believe things will ever not hurt as much as they hurt now. It won’t want to believe you can find a relationship that is everything you’ve wanted and more.  It’s like you have blinders on and you can’t see the whole picture of your life. That’s ok. Whenever you want to believe that the Universe has your back and all of this is happening for you, not to you, that is available. You are enough, right now, with all your parts that feel broken.