The marrige ‘talk’ with your partner

This topic is as old as a fairytale, I think. But here I am again, trying to untangle my thoughts on this whole marriage thing. A bit of context, I grew up in a relatively happy family, my parent’s marriage is far from being the best in the world but they make it work and they showed me that being in a committed marriage is a good thing. Society, culture, books and movies also taught me that you go live your life, you meet someone, you get married and have children. Not saying this should be the one but my brain is wired like that, especially as a woman. I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years. We met in college, moved together and here we still are. He grew up in a different family than I did: mom and dad always fighting, being unhappily married but never getting a divorce. His idea of marriage based on his upbringing is that it is trap, you can never get out of it and it is only for administrative purposes. My idea of getting married is on the other spectrum: romantic, a union between two people, tradition and a declaration of ‘i love you and I want to be with you’. We had several talks about marriage and what it means to us but they all end up bittersweet for me, at least. Although I gave up the idea of the big proposal and big wedding, I still wish to get married and be with him. I actually told him I want to give each other one ring, as I don’t like this old-fashioned idea that the man has to propose and we women just have to wait for the big day.
Around us, 90% of our friends are married or engaged. I feel like I am losing out, I am very happy for my friends but feel also sad that my relationship is not moving to the next level.My two best friends got married and they were always ‘ I never want to get married’ ; not they say they did it to make their partner happy and make their relationship better. Why is it that my boyfriend doesn’t want to think like this? This is my first thought.

Because my thoughts bring negative feelings, I start spiralling that our relationship is not good, not improving and why am I with a man that might not ever get married? Then I go back and think: who says that getting married is the solution to all our problems? and who can guarantee us getting married will make our relationship better? And I back to square one. His input is also not helpful because he is not saying ”I will never get married’ – which I guess in my mind is the ultimate decision maker for me. Of course, I am aware I cannot change anyone and I don’t want to either but I dislike when adults do not like ‘marriage’ because their parents had a dysfunctional marriage. I think this is not fair because he and I are not his parents and sometimes I refuse to hear about this argument because I don’t find it valid one. I guess if I were to bring this whole story into a model, I would start with thoughts like ‘ I don’t want to waste more years in this relationship and still not be married’ and I am willing to ‘sacrifice’ my wish to be married in order to be with someone I love? . I think it very difficult to break it into unintentional or intentional models because there are so many thoughts and feelings in the middle, I simply do not know where to work. I guess I need help with that. Thank you a lot!

Answer:

I want to start out by saying that there is nothing wrong with wanting to get married. There is also nothing wrong with not wanting to get married…what makes it feel wrong or right (good or bad, normal or abnormal) are the thoughts we have about it. Let’s take a look at some of the thoughts you’ve written out in your submission (both intentionally, and perhaps unintentionally as well…).

It’s a declaration of ‘I love you and want to be with you’
I feel like I am losing out
My relationship isn’t moving to the next level
This means that our relationship is not good
This means that our relationship is not improving
It’s not fair
He and I are not his parents
His argument isn’t valid
I don’t want to waste more years in this relationship and still not be married

It seems like these are all unintentional thoughts (though I am very willing to be wrong), and any of them are wonderful places to start if you want to work on modeling out your unintentional thoughts. As for your intentional thoughts, start to think about this: what would be the best possible outcome that you could create for yourself without needing your partner to make a change? Would it be a shift in how you think about your relationship? A firmer and more empowered stance on what you want and need from a long term relationship and why? A genuine acceptance and understanding of your partner’s thoughts and feelings about marriage? Then fill in the model from the bottom up…what comes up for you when you go through this exercise? Come back to us for some more coaching.