The T that my parents in law don’t love me anymore

Hello coaches,

I’d like some advice on my model below, and some coaching on how to move forwards with my feelings about the situation. I know I’ve always felt insecure in family and friend relationships and work very hard to appease (parents separated when I was 6, stepdad left when I was 18, my mother had many intense but relatively short partners from then onwards) but this is something that I’d like to work out as the physical reaction is so strong.

Unitentional model:

Circumstance
Brother in law and partner have recently had a baby. My in laws provide a lot of support practically and emotionally to me and my daughters 1 & 4, and often step in as backup when my husbands job as a doctor has long hours and leaves me on my own with my daughters. I see more of my in laws than my own parents. I am an only child.
I find it difficult when I see photos of them all together without us, or hear they have been spending time together without us.

Thoughts
“They (parents in law) don’t love me any more”
“They won’t have time for me anymore”
“They don’t love me, just my children and husband”
“They are spending time as a family without us”
“My husband should put more effort into his relationship with his brother and parents so we don’t get left out”
“I’m not a good enough daughter in law for them to want to spend time with me”
“They have baby [nephew] now, they won’t have any attention left for our family anymore”

Feeling
Fear of abandonment
(For another model – Resentment, jealously)

Actions
External – Put extra effort into arranging get togethers, contact everyone in the family in an effort to strengthen connection. OR pull back and stop contacting/messaging on family WhatsApp as don’t want to say something wrong, try and talk to my husband about it but reject his reassurance that I am part of their family.
Internal – Put pressure on myself to see more of my sister in law and nephew (who I do get on with but it has taken a long time to get to know properly), berate myself for being so childish, self talk to rationalise that they still have time for me

Result
Each time the circumstance occurs, I have a physical reaction of my stomach and blood pressure dropping and feeling more unloved

Intentional Model:

Circumstance
I see photos or hear of husbands family meeting up without mud/me

Feeling
Glad

Thoughts
“So glad brother in law and partner moved back from New Zealand to have their baby so they can be part of our family again”
“I’m lucky to be part of an extended family that is so family focused”
“It’s so good to see my parents in law happy and fulfilled with all their grandchildren around them”
“I’m excited for the next time we can all get together and share enjoyable times together”
“Photos are only a snapshot – it’s not as idyllic as it looks in photos!”

Actions
External – Reply with positive kind messages
Ask more about their visit/activities
Internal – mantra “I am loved” “I am part of this family” “I deserve their love and support” “love is not finite”

Result
I look forwards to the next photos and get togethers

Thanks so much

Answer:

Nice work here with your self-awareness and models. Let’s take a look at how they can be revised a little bit.

UM:

C: Distill this into ‘See photo of MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, and nephew together’ or ‘In laws spend time together.’ It keeps it simple.

T: Choose one T to enter here…you might have lots of Ts that lead to the same Fs but it helps to constrain your focus to one

F: You were right on to choose one…but let’s breakdown fear of abandonment. I’d say that’s more of a T. Afraid, anxious, insecure, scared, nervous, angry, resentful…those are all feelings that might come from the T “I’m being abandoned”. What fits best?

A: You did great here. I love that you ID’d internal and external actions. Very well done!

R: Based on what you put in your A line, I’d guess that you actually create and feed a reality where you believe that you aren’t a part of the family.

IM:

C: Keep it the same as in your UM (because this isn’t what we’re trying to change…)

T: These come before your F-line. Remember, choose one. Then ask…how does thinking this thought make me feel?

F: Choose the F that is best connected or inspired by your T

A: Again, great awareness here of what you do when you’re feeling glad.

R: I would argue that in this IM, you create the space to believe that you are a part of a family.

We know that our default brain has served us well in our lives – it’s kept us safe from feeling vulnerable, which our reptilian brains interpret as a death threat. Now that you have awareness that your default brain says to you, “You’re not a part of this family.” You get to choose whether or not you’re going to believe it and give it the power it has had all these years.

In your IM, what’s the most desirable result that you could experience that has NOTHING to do with how your in-laws are behaving and EVERYTHING to do with how you experience seeing a photo of them together? Build your model from the bottom up. What T do you need to think to get your desired R? What other questions arise? Come on back for more coaching!