Thought download: feedback on my work

Hi coach,

I came to AAC because I am facing a hurdle today. I am working towards my goal to write my MSc thesis whilst taking good care of myself. 9 months of work in, I have reached a point where I think the deadline (1 month to go) will be manageable. There is still a lot of work to do but nothing undoable.

I’ve worked intensively until I reached that point and very intensively over the past days. I took around two days to recover from this recent sprint, but I am feeling drained and I don’t want to admit it. I thought I would be ready to tackle the feedback I have received from my supervisor, but here I am wondering why I am unable to move ahead. Because truth is, I just want to keep going. I have another deadline about a week from now and I want to keep the momentum going. It’s a challenging place to be in, because I know I want to get to the external accomplishment of having written the thesis and simultaneously when I feel tired like today, it feels like I am failing at my goal to take good care of myself.

Specifically, I am having trouble looking at the feedback I received, and I am not sure exactly why..

C. Feedback from supervisor
T. I don’t want to do this
F. Drained
S. Numb and forward facing, falling over
A. Procrastinate, avoid doing the work
R. I am not feeling good about myself, I stress over time passing by

Am I worried I can’t take it? Do I just need to rest more? I want to push through because I will get rest over the next days, and I like my reasons for it.
I know this ‘I don’t want to do this’ is uncovering another thought. I think when I look at the feedback, each comment feels like ‘I should have done this differently, or I could have done this better’ although the feedback is quite neutral/factual. I am not being very compassionate with myself. Each comment to tackle feels like a rock added to my burden of tasks to do until the thesis is finished.. The backpack is getting heavy. This is also tinted with a hint of imposter syndrome. Like, what if my supervisor had discovered I did not do the things the way I should have or she expected my to have done..? What if it’s too late to course correct now? This is not realistic nor very rational, yet I somehow believe this thought – which feels daunting. I Ok, maybe I need to rationalize what I can do today and lower my expectations of myself a bit. Tomorrow is another day.

I have a week to tackle the feedback, I don’t need to take it all in at once. Okay, I already feel lighter and slightly more energized.

Also, I want to take a moment to celebrate my wins. It’s been a while since I’ve done it.
– I remember back in February I was anticipating the interview I would have to do for my research. I have successfully conducted 26 interviews (a decent number) and I enjoyed myself in the process. I just did it. I wanted to bring playfulness into it and I think I was able to do that, integrating a bit of role play almost.
– After a tough wake up call, I made decision that would allow me to ‘get what’s important done’. Important nuance here is I didn’t do everything, I did the essential things. Important lesson on getting the clarity I need to prioritize actions.
– I analyzed my data and wrote my results in record time.
– Although this feedback might be difficult to absorb, it is rather positive I think and that’s encouraging.
– All in all, it feels like I am closer than ever to accomplishing my goal! I do not feel like I have lost myself in the process of writing my thesis and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
– I am overall quite proud of myself and research output. I can confidently say I have grown a lot personally and professionally over the course of this experience (combining work and research).

I don’t have anything specific to point towards but would appreciate your advice however you see fit!
Thank you.

 

Answer:

 

It looks to me like you’ve rounded a corner just by writing your experience down in AAC. What do you think? I’d also like to acknowledge the self-awareness you’re bringing to this experience. You are noticing struggles, celebrating wins, bringing awareness to your energy levels, why and where you’re feeling resistance, and what you might be able to do in the face of this reality and obstacle.

When it comes to “What if” questions, there are two important things to know about them. 1) They aren’t helpful. 2) You can answer them. Give it a shot. What if you could have done it better? What if it’s too late to course correct? Most importantly, how would you show up if these two things turn out to be true? On the other hand, what if you did a fine, or even exceptional job? What if you’re in a perfect place to complete your thesis in your goal window? You have a choice about what story you get to tell yourself about your current and future circumstances. Why not make it a good one?

Finally, even though your brain is telling you that you are failing at this, I wonder if it’s not failure but an opportunity to bring awareness about what you can do differently in the experience of being tired or drained?