Thought download on partner’s relationship with ex

Hello dear coach,

The other day I found out my partner was in communication with his ex. Though I think we have established a strong foundation of trust in our relationship, this has somewhat shaken my belief.

I also want to acknowledge I feel shame for having read the conversation (via messages) behind his back. I used his phone to send something to myself and saw the conversation.

I digested the content of this conversation over the past few days and I got clear on exactly what is bothering me about this situation. He said things like ‘I think about you’, ‘I miss you sometimes’ and ‘I miss your personality’, ‘I feel a lot of tenderness towards the years we spent together’ or something along these lines. I can accept that he may feel this way towards his ex. I have understanding and tolerance for this behavior as I can myself see how I can feel this way towards past lovers, and that is not in contradiction with how much I love my boyfriend and the fact that I currently want to be with him. That being said, it still hurts to read these lines.

What I find really hard is how over a few days while he was on a work trip he kept contacting her and seeking more contact, in a way that seems flirty to me. I know this is most likely not the case, but the intrusive thought here is ‘Is he pursuing her again?”.

C. Partner has been in contact with ex
T. He is pursuing her again.
F. Jealous /envious
A. Ruminate, avoid conversation I should have with partner, keep checking his phone for new messages.
R. I am not giving us the chance to unravel this situation and move forward.

Doing some more thinking, I realise that I have not been receiving as much attention as I would have wanted since my boyfriend went on this work trip and generally speaking as he is dedicated most of his time and energy to his work, this is something that I am generally struggling with. I feel jealous because I would love the kind of attention he was giving her via messages. Having had a long distance relationship with him, I know messaging is not his preferred way of communicating. This comes up when is working away; it’s hard for him to have a conversation through his phone (either call or messages). I realize I have been building resentment over this.

Other thoughts that came up:
– my lack of confidence is problematic
– he might feel like something is missing in our relationship / our relationship is incomplete
– maybe I don’t have a personality / I don’t have enough personality
– I need a way out of this relationship, a safety net

Another line of thoughts that is coming up is about my own doubts of the relationship, sometimes wondering if I wouldn’t be better off celibate or with someone else. The fact that he too might have similar thoughts feels almost unbearable and brings up shame because I am not allowing him what I allow myself to some extent. But should reciprocity be sought after? I once did an activity with my ex I hadn’t seen for ages. I was upfront about it with my current partner and it didn’t seem to affect him in the slightest. He probably even forgot this ever happened. I also feel shame for imposing on him potentially “stricter” requirements that he’s allowed me.

Part of me wants to keep this to myself longer as I know I had to process in order to respond instead as opposed to react to the situation. Yet I feel frustrated and it’s almost as if I want to keep this to myself because I don’t think he deserves to answer my needs / questions.

What are my next steps?
I would like to have a constructive discussion with him. Not just drop the problem on him. The solution can be co-created; I know that building a more robust circle of friends would help me a lot. I don’t want to feel isolated and stuck in this relationship. Maybe I should get clear on what I want.
– Do I want more attention from him? In what form?
– Do I want reassurance that he is not pursuing his ex and that he is content in our relationship?
– What sense of connection do I want to have with my partner?

I would welcome any advice and in particular anything that would help me figuring out what my standards for a working relationship are.

 

Answer:

 

It sounds like you know what you want: a constructive discussion that doesn’t come as a surprise, with opportunity to collaborate on a solution.

All of your self-reflection is important and substantial. It’s great to know what you want and why. I wonder if some of the self-reflection is actually a serving as a buffer against the discomfort of having the conversation. What do you think?

Finally, what do you want to communicate to your partner in this discussion and what you are seeking to understand? Let’s try to create an actionable road map to help you with this process.