Thoughts about family members and their behavior

Hello coaches, I haven’t done any thought work for a while and noticed old thought patterns coming up. So this morning, I took some time do write down unintentional and intentional models and immediately noticed how much calmer I became. This was such an amazing shift. To get back into the habit of doing thought work, I would love some feedback on models concerning my brother and my father. I’m 32 now and growing up with my brother and father wasn’t always easy. They had their issues which dominated our family life quite heavily during certain times. In addition, when I started to go to uni I felt really bullied by them because they didn’t like what I decided to study. This really affected my self-esteem. Then, when I graduated and landed the job I always dreamed of, my father lost his job (+ got bullied by his boss) and my brother struggled to write his bachelor thesis and they expected me to help them (which I did although I didn’t want to – at that time I didn’t have the tools I have now). There were and are a lot of other things going on. I have a lot of resentment towards them, because I feel like they took something from me (especially this careless life that is always associated with your 20s) while they “profited” from me. I’m grateful for many, many incredible experiences and people I met but I still sometimes can’t stop thinking about what else could have been if certain things in my family had been different. In addition, I always feel like my family (including my mother) belittle and criticize me while my brother is treated as the king. It’s a complex situation and I just don’t enjoy spending time with them. So I did two unintentional models and then the corresponding intentional models. I struggle most with the thought lines in the intentional models (where I want to put the focus more on myself and less on them):

Unintentional Model
C: my brother + father
T: they bullied me
F: angry, frustrated, tense
A: I mull over past events again and again
R: anger, stagnation

Intentional Model
C: my brother + father (maybe the condition needs to be more specific and refer to a certain situation?)
T: they behaved in the ways they knew/learned and now are trying to reach out to me (?)
T: they tried to cope as best as they could (?)
T: they were difficult and are now trying to reach out to me (?)
F: calm(er)
A: I focus on myself
R: feeling more relaxed

Unintentional model:
C: my brother + father
T: they took something from me
F: angry, frustrated, tense
A: I mull over past events again and again
R: anger, stagnation, resentment

Intentional model:
C: my brother + father (maybe the condition needs to be more specific and refer to a certain situation?)
T: I did the best I could
F: calm(er)
A: I focus on my resources
R: I make progress

I would really appreciate your feedback. Thank you so much in advance! 🙂

 

 

Answer:

Whenever we notice resentment, it is telling us that we are not taking responsibility for our feelings. Your father and brother’s behaviour is still feeling negative to you. It is hard to come to an intentional model that feels believeable when you are viewing the circumstance this way.  The first step is just to recognize this and give yourself a lot of compassion. The truth is, we always do things for US. You help your father and brother because there are benefits for you.

Take some time and write down all the reasons you chose to behave the way you did.

See what comes up and bring it to a call or ask a coach.