Thoughts About Family Members And Their Behavior (Part II)

Hello coaches, a few weeks ago I submitted a request about resentment I have towards my family. Thank you for your reply! You encouraged me to look at my own behavior and the reasons why I decided to help my brother and father. My first reaction was to completely dismiss your response (hence my late reply). However, during the last couple of weeks I realized that there were reasons why I decided to help them. I came to realize that I decided to help them to avoid conflict and their kind of “punishment” (i.e. being ignored / excluded for a while). I think I decided to help them to keep the peace and to continue to belong to them (because I still somehow was emotionally/financially dependent on them). Interestingly, I am invited to a family gathering tomorrow (also including other relatives) and, again, I feel pressure to attend that party. I would prefer to visit my grandpa and his partner (whose birthday it is) another time when there aren’t many other people but I decided to go in order to avoid disappointing some family members. I guess I have the underlying fear of being alone/abandoned when I need help. I haven’t build my own family yet. So I think if, for example, I break my leg and need support, it will be my family who helps me out. I would love some advice on how to go from there. Thank you in advance!

 

Answer:

Sometimes it takes time to digest new information about ourselves, and that is absolutely okay. It’s interesting to start seeing how and why we push back on these pieces of information! Always keeps us on our toes…Now, let’s do a quick model.

C:  Family gathering

T: If I don’t go now, I might be alone and abandoned when I need help in the future

F: Afraid

A: Say yes even though I’d rather visit my grandfather and partner when there aren’t so many people around (people please), think about situations that could render me alone in the future and try to figure out how to fix them now, feel pressured to attend, say I’m doing it to avoid disappointing family members.

R: I abandon myself and my needs now by going OR Create stories that are believable about being abandoned and alone in the future and stay in this thought loop

When you see this model, what comes up for you? Bring your answer back to AAC with the subject title: Thoughts About Family Members And Their Behavior (Part III).