Thoughts About Family Members And Their Behavior (Part III)

Hello and thank you so much for creating this model for me:

C: Family gathering

T: If I don’t go now, I might be alone and abandoned when I need help in the future

F: Afraid

A: Say yes even though I’d rather visit my grandfather and partner when there aren’t so many people around (people please), think about situations that could render me alone in the future and try to figure out how to fix them now, feel pressured to attend, say I’m doing it to avoid disappointing family members.

R: I abandon myself and my needs now by going OR Create stories that are believable about being abandoned and alone in the future and stay in this thought loop

What came up for me when seeing the model is this: At first, I found it hilarious to see the thought and its consequences written down like this. Then, it made me very, very sad that I base my decisions on fear although a part of me still clings to the stories I create around being abandoned etc. And finally, it really made me realize the consequences of my decisions. I decided to go to that family gathering also I didn’t really want to. And when I read your reply, I had already gone to the gathering. And it left me feeling really depleted and ashamed. When I go to family gatherings, I feel like I’m in trance. Either I completely numb out or I try to ask or say something I know will work but I never feel like myself in these situations. I’ve come to a place where I try not to blame or accuse anyone, but these family gatherings have just never served me. For a long time, I made these dynamics mean something about myself. What I experienced during these family gatherings, really affected how I presented myself in the world. It’s a shame because in other environments I feel so much happier, more accepted, valued etc. But then family gatherings often make me feel depleted or like I don’t want to spend time with other groups of people (because I think there will be similar dynamics) and it’s just a vicious cycle… so a lot came up for me and I would love some direction on how to go on from here. Thank you so much for helping me unravel this!

 

Answer:

You are finding a lot of awareness and it’s such a fun part of self coaching, but it also usually feels pretty terrible. You are finding patterns and thoughts and it can feel overwhelming. That’s ok. This is just the part that sometimes we call swimming through the river of misery. This is where all the good evolution can happen.

One direction you might want to try is to keep looking at family gatherings as a circumstance. They just are. It’s a group of people. Some you are genetically linked to, some you aren’t. They say words. They do things.  None of this makes you feel anything, nor does it affect your actions. You are creating that for yourself.

You are an adult and you always have choices of where you spend your time. You do not need to go to any family gatherings if you don’t want to. Just get to a clean place about them first. Don’t avoid them because of who you show up as when you are there. Show up as the person you want to be and see what feels different.

What model would you write if you were in 100% love for you and love for your family?