Thoughts about masturbation

Hi coaches. I wanted to ask about something that I feel embarrassed/shame around. I’ve done some models. I think masturbation is good and healthy and normal. I like me and my partner’s sex life, how we talk about it, dedicate time to it. We talk openly about masturbating and sometimes watch porn together.
C: think my partner masturbates with porn most mornings in private
T: that’s wrong
F: unsafe
A: don’t connect with him, want to create distance between us, dwell on it, don’t talk about it
R: I feel unsafe in my relationship
I know this is ok and I think it’s normal that we have our shared sex life and then our own private thing too. I do too. It’s like my adult brain can see it’s ok but my young girl body feels like this is bad or dirty or shameful then if I think these thoughts about him I feel distance and unsafe. I haven’t shared my feelings with him. The shower goes on maybe 20 mins after he goes in that’s the only way I ‘know’. He wakes up an hour before me so we usually don’t have sex week day mornings. I come from a religious background and an all girl school education so grew up with a lot of fear in general around boys and sex, never mind being told masturbating and porn were sins. I don’t have any shame around masturbating myself anymore.
Any help would be great, thank you!

 

 

Answer:

The result in your model is that you are judging him. Being in judgement of someone you love doesn’t feel very good. Why do you think your brain wants to do this? You have some reasons coming from how you were raised, but you’re an adult, make sure to explore how this is serving you now.

The other part of this that you can look at with curiosity is why haven’t you talked to him about it? Right now you have a model based on what you think he’s doing, not facts. I wouldn’t recommend having a conversation until you feel a little more confident with what’s happening for you. What are you afraid will happen if you do bring this up? You have a good amount of evidence that it is safe to be open and discuss this, but something is holding you back. Once you can look at it, you’ll be able to deal with it. Shining a light helps get rid of shame that likes dark corners and secrets.

Explore this and bring back your models or questions for more coaching.